The switch is what I had been seeking, and seeking advice in regards to for quite some time. The switch I found resides within my own mind. The switch I found is nothing new nothing bold nothing magical and nothing that each and every single human does not have. Yes we all have a frontal lobe, indeed we all have freewill.

I spoke of #FreeWill many times before, I spoke of knowing but I really never had a bloody clue. I was trying to know, but not allowing myself to simply be aware. I wanted to be aware, I was more aware than before yet I was still not yet fully aware, nor do I remain to be in any state of full awareness yet, although I strive for greater awareness each day with each act I choose and each emotion that comes to me via my creation of states of mind and thoughts that occur some, and some not quite so divine. Mostly I was just trying to have control, mostly I was just being a totally insecure scaredy pants control freak.

It has been an odd year.

It has been a full year that 2011 was.

Hindsight might be 20/20 but some times, at least in my case it took time for everything to come into focus. It took time for the groggy foggy haziness to subside enough to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and miserable…. I think I said that. I will most likely say it again. .

I’ve taken to reading for the first time in my life, sure, sure, I read tonnes of ‘articles’ on-line every day, what I mean to say is for the first time in my life I am reading books and learning from other people and listening to other people in ways that I’ve never done before in my life at all. I owe this to it being well over a year since I’ve partook in formerly daily rituals that left my mind in an altered state that was not balanced.

Perhaps I’ve said this all before perhaps I need to keep reminding myself only, what ever the cause for compulsion I need to remember every day, ‘it’s all my fault’ ‘it is all my creation’ every single last moment that I blamed or pretended was justified in sharing blame with other people. I was, I remain, the main actor in my own life. I remain at the helm of choice of all the acts in my own life. I can never forget all that I created every single last bit of every single last thing that came to me in 2010 and 2011 was entirely and solely my own creation. I tried to carry on with a sense of justifiable pain, justifiable hurt, justifiable sense of life sometimes two to tango, but it did no sit well with my heart, it did not sit well with my true feelings about life. From that stance of not sitting well I ensured I punished myself, with feelings of guilt with feelings of shame with acts of poor mindedness with choices I felt I had not choice but to allow to be made. In essence I boiled down like I’ve said many times before 10 years of failure into 10 months. It was literally a crash course repeat of screwing up in less than 1/10th the amount of time previously.

Wow what a cluster F%&! of F#%! ups 2011 was, starting with my first blog posts in December 2010 starting with my calls to police to get help to regain control over my assets. I was scared, I was angry at the system, I was tired of the system lying to me, I was tired of the system being a barrier to my being free, and I had desperately wanted a sense of freedom, one that will only achieve when I decide each day that I am in fact as free as I know in my heart I am. I mean it took me until mid February to admit that I was as in as bad shape as I was, I was that scared of every bureaucrat or liaison of any was part of setting up traps for me to stumble into, from the first group of lies that were told about my anger with the bureaucracy to the default actions of bureaucrats I was stark raving paranoid. Yet at the same time I expressed myself and my fear in odd and only self damaging ways from December 2010 till as recently as October and November of 2011. I did not heal, I did not actually look in the mirror, I sliced it up and decided that I could share it. Social conformity took precedence over personal awareness and ultimate truth.

My truth, my delayed taking full and utter responsibility was the persistence of poor choices in ( small excuse yes I know ) a state of poor mindedness, I choose poorly, I choose to chop things up into pieces, I choose to say, like an immature child who is forced to look in the mirror that there is still separation of self and universe. When I am coming to know that the universe is self and that self is indeed the universe we create around as as it is a reflection of our inner-space our inner emotional state of well being or lack therein.

Once for some reason I finally took full and actual responsibility for EVERYTHING a few key things happened in my brain, and perhaps I’ll never quite understand why or how. First I stopped being angry, in fact I’ve only been angry once since, at a very close and well loved relative whom asked me ‘why I was buttering them up’, I think they were expecting me to ask to borrow money or something like that lol, so I got snippy with them proclaiming I just wanted some of their sage insights, fore they seemed to be perpetually happy. 1st thing part two was I stopped being angry at people for ‘doing things to me’ since I realised no one ever did anything to me, and that I had done everything to myself and had created everything myself. 2nd thing was I stopped being scared of what people might ‘do to me’ since it was me that was actually doing anything/everything around me any way. 3rd thing was I did not even have to feel like I had to forgive anything of any one since no one had actually ever done anything to me, but I certainly have a great overwhelming sense of apology for the hurt and pain I have caused other people in my agenda saturated life that has been lived for the past 10-15 years. 4th thing was I have found there to be much greater sense of ease in interacting with people, although I still get alarmist and agenda ridden at the bar if I have had a few drinks… ergo my political habits surface as the alarmist of far too much colloquial knowledge ( opinion ) that I can tend to be rears it’s ugly head.. under the helm of a wee bit of liquid courage.. which lately keeps getting put in my hand at no cost to me .

So you can’t go on feeling bad about what you have done in the past, this love thy self thing has finally come to being understood by me, it had escaped me all year, I know I was told and I thought I had understood, but I did not take it into practice.. coupled with loving yourself it seems you are at once quite capable of not taking your self as seriously which means other people need not fear your overbearing obvious sense of being overtly serious which was a common tradition, I generally expressed.

So

I started flipping the switch to good memories when possessed with one that I had thought was bad, including a few times when I was a kid and I thought I was punished too heavily, I’ve come to realise that 3 incidents in my child hood were not indicative of a long standing pattern of a relationship between me and the would be levier of the punitive. I choose social conformity instead of truth, I choose social conformity way way back in 1995, in a guise of empathy I took on lies into my memories to better be equipped to empathise. Funny how that works eh, now I find one of the greatest things of fun is to give my dad a big huge giant hug, ( he is little like 5’6′ish ) so I tower over him and he always reminds me to not break his neck lol, I missed that, for over 15 years. Now when I think of times gone by I am able to think of the awesome times the great events that occurred in life with my father and how hard he tried to keep me interested in school and getting their on time, even driving me there when I was a kid in high-school.

I started to not worry about the coming of tomorrow and the how it would come to be.
I started to dream of my dreams and come to know just what are my genuine dreams, when I shared with my mother the fact that I thought I should really focus on doing documentaries, she so as matter of factly said to me ‘you always wanted to make Films, you always wanted a to buy a video camera, I don’t know why you did not do that. why don’t you do that?’ Funny how our Mothers know us better than we do, and therein lies a very very important piece of keeping a close, mature and healthy relationship with our parents.

I started to be more aware of now, of how I was affecting other people, I started to stop forcing myself to be miserable, I stopped punishing myself for my inner feelings of guilt over all the things I did last year that I felt I had no choice but to do. I started to stop fearing retaliation realising that I did not have to worry since I would no longer make choices where I “thought I had no choice” which in fact were just very poor decisions being made.

I started to realise that I am no where near as smart as I thought I was, and have become blown away by the intelligence of people around me and in my life. Taking the time to be present to appreciate their wealth of knowledge and experience truly makes me marvel at the wonder of their stories in ways that I must hone up and keep on exercising as a would be Documentary Film Maker.

Ya so, I spent the entire year of 2011 doing things I did not want to do, avoiding taking full responsibility for my entire life, continuing to point the finger at other people, being scared of bureaucracies and the lies on paper they do tend to tell, ( sorry not trying to be judgey but there are some inherent megalithic flaws in our modern systemics of governance and corporate institutions, but I am hoping to see some of that changed sincerely with my working with tribeforth Foundation ) I spent the greater part of 2011 not living but pretending I was only a passenger and reacting to everything when in the end I was the person who was inciting everything, I spent the entire year of 2011 scarring other people too, I spent the entire 2011 not taking responsibility for my own world, I spent it not being happy, I spent it punishing myself, I spent it feeling guilty over not being able to say I was sorry and reconcile things with the past, it’s a good thing I only reconciled with my parents, I was honestly no where near ready prepared or even keeled enough to begin to pretend that I would ever be able to properly attempt to apologise to most of the people that I remain due to apologise to.

One day at a time, smelling the roses, listening to the river flow by.
One day at a time, one moment as it comes.

Trying to listen, trying to love myself, trying my best to not focus on what I choose to be bad memories worthy of punishing myself.

Trying to ask for forgiveness for being pretty much an Asshole with an overbearing agenda for most of the past 15 years. Trying to apologies for not choosing to take responsibility for my own life for the past 15 years.

I have so many people to thank for trying to help lead me to the water to take that drink, I have so many people to hug to share some of the love I feel and gratitude I have for their efforts.

Yet in the end it was only my own resolve my own locating or rather choosing to locate within my mind that switch would would allow me to take full responsibility for my entire life. To find that switch that would allow me to choose to feel good and smile so much that my face is sore from smiling and my belly sore from laughing in ways that I have never known in my entire life.

If last year after being shown the mirror I felt like I was reborn again, then since December 24th when I was shown the mirror I have only been in a state of hopeful metamorphosis, now hoping to emerge finally and for once and for all an actual Human being of flesh and soul and heart and Love.

I’m not sure how this all happened, I am not sure why, but in the end, I don’t spend too much time dissecting it, I am just thankful it finally worked out this way. You really have no idea how much I was getting sick of the roller coaster of not being fully responsible for that which is my life and entirely up to me. Sure I may have talked a good talk, but I sure as heck did not walk what I talked. Now more over I am not even worried, I am just hoping to have fun, and continue to seek knowledge and greater awareness and maybe one day a nice chunk of enlightenment.

Time goes by quick, time goes by fast, nearing 40 years old, I’ve certainly come close to the half way mark, knowing how time is relative, I know I have in fact already past it.

So ‘hip hip hooray’ to the rest of this short life on this rock flying through the vacuum of space and the big and little joys it will bring as I continue on my adventure of self discovery.

Lucky to be me, lucky to have lived what I have, lucky to have shared the good the sad and the ugly with whom I have and shall share it with.

I am seriously done with done with that miserable angsty crap, and look very forward to the next 12 months of increased soundness of mind and balance of life and levity of soul and deepness of LOVE.

thank everything that I can giggle at myself for not having realised this sooner instead of feeling awkward or sad or disappointed, instead I giggle knowing that I would in the past have felt negative, now I feel so relieved that I know there is mostly what I don’t know what I don’t know and some that I do know I don’t know, of course the rest is work in progress from there.

I am ready for 2012 and beyond.
I am ready to live.
I am ready to breath.

I am ready to just be plain old happy… lol.. sounds so goofy to think of it.. but it’s so true you have no idea until you live it…. we each may or may not find our own path to this place in time and space, so be it.. this is life.. lucky I am, I am where I am..

Ok, I think that is enough said. Kind of repetitive I know, but I was over due sharing, and well perhaps I’ll share more often so I can chop these thoughts out into smaller pieces.

ENB..//

Hope you have very thoughtful and reflective lives

I hope you can replace fear with Love and have self confidence and have Vision.

I hope you can choose to change the world and not choose to try to create a monolithic myopic organisations that within you are all policy backed personally individually unaccountable ‘cogs of the machine’.

I hope you aspire to Betterness and not just Business…

My Vision is UNWAVERING

I know what I want. I want what I know.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Conformity is THEE recipe for systemic irrelevance and rapid onset of antiquity.

In the rapidly changing world in which we now live sustainagility is the only mantra, I will not tolerate “playing corporation” ever. Go play Monopoly if you have an ego to satisfy or an urge to ‘Play’.

I asked a Colleague once what my vision was. He replied ‘to change all the things’ ( maybe not exact wording ) I asked him “what do I mean by that” he replied ‘you think everything that is in the world needs to change’ I know he gets it. At least the language he uses indicates he might indeed Grok it properly.

Following the rigours of ‘paper based’ assumed protocol in a draconian fashion will not accomplish this, when the very paper work and policy that guides it is errd when the very economic model it serves is wholly un-sustainable. When the very governing agencies that guide these papers are rife with corruption to serve inefficiency and bureaucracy alone. Worshipping a corporate fiction is not what I start business for at all.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

EXPECTATIONS:

I expect things in a Betterness environment of those I work with here are the bare basics of my expectations.

I expect deadlines to be set when I ask for them to be set. NOT “we’re working on it”

I expect to never hear the words “it is getting worked on” or “we’re working on it”

I expect deadlines to be met when I ask for them, as they were promised.

I expect production to produce what is needed without hesitation or argument.

I expect transparency.

I expect action instead of hesitation where confidence or uncertainty could delay and create question.

I expect love to out weigh fear. LOVE IS stronger than fear.

I expect to not have to remind any one of deadlines and goals.

I expect to inspire to greatness not create policy into mediocrity.

I expect consensus not democracy, democracy is unsustainable and creates conflict and is an age old tool of disabling progress of groups with great intentions. I have no use for democracy.

I expect you to understand I will not be subservient to any form of Oligarchy.

I expect to know the status of any project when I ask for status.

I expect to have support if I am with a client as an account manager, and thus when I reach out for information or technical assistance unless other wise pre informed as to unavailability otherwise if you know I am on-site with a client be ready to be responsive –

I expect each person to work in any fashion that they see fit.

I expect everyone I work with to be adults ( self included ) and stick to fucking 9 – 5 there is NO EXCUSE to not to do this.

I expect my marketing mandates for the firms I work with to be met with vigour and enthusiasm. Not to be asking for the same basic bare bones things 3 months afterwards.

I expect no arguments over the marketing sales and client relations aspects of the firm.

I expect no resistance, dissenting or contrarian attitudes in regards to what needs to be done to satisfy clients expectations. Customer service and deadlines are not rocket science I should not need to convince you TO DO things.

I expect no delay and foot dragging with projects.

I expect clients to be drilled daily for what they need to provide to us to complete their end of the bargin and for us to not let anything slide by passing “hot potatoes” back in their court.

I expect independence and problem solving.

I expect problems in production with autonomy and self direction to not exist and if they do exist and a dead line is not going to be met then for myself to be informed as soon as production is aware so I can pre-inform clients immediately.

I expect to be informed of problems that will affect the speed of production especially if you are unsure what to do about them.

I expect all members of a group to give as much priority and care to new projects as old and not give excuses to treating any clients with disrespect or care regardless of the monetary realities you feel compelled to justify such behaviour. To treat any client poorly is a disservice to the future and should not be tolerated by any of us.

I expect no member of a group to utter threats or make ultimatums to any other member of the group or any clients. When clients have done this to us in the past I have fired them without hesitation.

I expect to speak to production every day. ( ON THE PHONE or in PERSON FACE to FACE )

I expect production to be able to tell me what they have accomplished every day.

I expect production to record daily what it has accomplished.

I expect to not have resistance when I seek any information regarding any thing I will not be expected to tolerate hiding or keeping secrets.

I expect to know where money has gone to the penny when I ask for information about it.

I expect to have clients contacted within 30 minutes or less!! of asking for clients to be contacted.

I expect an attitude and desire to provide stellar customer service. I do not expect to wait 90 days for production to call a client.

I expect to be cc’d on out going communication to clients only ever always.

I expect to be cc’d on replies if clients send messages that I logically need to be aware of.

I expect more than due diligence I expect 200%

I expect humanity to out weigh all laws all statutes and all governing bodies in all cases in all manors and in any/all fashions.

I expect all I work with to listen to me PERIOD…

I expect all I work with to be adults and not bring mommy or daddy’s to board meetings.

I expect all I work with to take responsibility for what they promise I need not worry about.

I expect all I work with to decide to change the world with me or not.

I expect all I work with never mislead holdback or lie to me.

I expect all I work with to wake with gratitude and embrace your vulnerability each day as you literally wake and omit fear from every choice you make in life.

I expect all my expectations to be met.

I expect this list of my expectations has made my intentions perfectly clear.

I expect I may add to this list in the future.

I expect all I work with to ask any and all questions if you do not understand these expectations in line with my expectation of communication and not holding back.

I expect there to be plenty of dialogue in regards to these expectations.

I expect there to be no name calling.

I expect there to be no arguments ( perhaps I have stated I ready expect no arguments )

Let me be more clear,

I expect dialogue not excuses, I expect discussion not repudiation.

I expect you ALL to understand that I know these specific expectations are not my HIGH expectations that these are the default basics.

HOPE:

Hope you have very thoughtful and reflective lives

I hope you can replace fear with Love and have self confidence and have Vision.

I hope you can choose to change the world and not choose to try to create a monolithic myopic organisations that within you are all policy backed personally individually unaccountable ‘cogs of the machine’.

I hope you aspire to Betterness and not just Business…

My Vision is UNWAVERING

I know what I want. I want what I know.

ENBD..//

for all the words of life
no haste
endlessness

collecting pieces of reality.

Why have I come to be?
What has come to be?
Now for once I am in charge of me.

How could I?
How would I?

It’s all of me and how I did decide. Weather or not the fact that I abused Marijuana since the spring of 1995 is besides the point, it is no excuse it matters not if it impacted my ability to make choices, the choices I made were the choices I made by me. I alone and responsible for my life and it’s outcomes. If every one of us has a chance to realise this, every single one then we truly will have peace on earth for once.

The pieces of the fabric of life that culminate in creating what we are each moment when we in the moment realise that the moment is a new moment and we are indeed created a new again in that moment can not be seen as bad or good, just joyous or sad. It is simply and only our choices that lead us to the moment that is now, so we can not judge and we must forgive.

This is my blog.
This is my catharsis.

I had and do still intend to speak of the exact truths and experiences of my life as they have occurred even though a book of over 700 pages { *as it now stands } is being created by a professional on my behalf. Those words have a chapter to finish this year to conclude before they can be published. These words are mine they are my spontaneous sharing of the truth of my life from me. For now I have been forced to step back from sharing each compelling detail of truth the risk is far too great.

I am reminded of the film Pulp Fiction when Jules Winnfield is about to execute some young would be ‘runners’ who have seemingly double crossed his boss Marsellus Wallace. He quotes Christian bible scripture about ‘great vengeance’. It is displaced misplaced vengeance that I need to protect myself from. Agents have been sent phone calls have been made to government agencies, great effort was taken last week to cause me harm. Not a single person who has participated is free from abuse of self in the form of substance addiction, not a single one. Is that a coincidence? A former alcoholic told me during the midsts of this “Don’t fuck with alcoholics and addicts, they are fucking nuts, they’ll do anything so you better have a good imagination to anticipate what they might do”. So this is why it has been quiet and fluffy around here and on my twitter @ENBDavies account. I’d rather tell it like it is, share how I feel, say what has been said to me share the truths people have shared with me, while I am continually defamed and slandered, but I can’t every time I try to, I just get attacked. Even talking about not talking about the details like this worries me to some extent, but I must share this truth as it stands.

It’s a big disgusting rancid soup that I am desperately trying to distance my self from while also recognising I am partly responsible for cooking.

Serving former clients and helping others mostly social profits with my knowledge take control of and maintain ownership of their digital assets has been one of the things I have been trying to do. I had to back off for a week, I had to focus on me and me alone, I had to focus on new business, rather than repairing old business problems left un-dealt with since 2005. What would you do in my shoes? Would you abandon them? Would you let them all suffer? Would you ignore their calls to help them? Would you not assist former employees who get no response from their former employer help them too as best that they can? I don’t know what else to do, I can only do what is morally and ethically right and proper for the greater good. I can’t worry about individuals who have decided in grave error that I deserve to be thee cause of all their problems, I mean come on they gotta grow up and live their own lives. If they are lucky they’ll do it pharmaceutical and recreation drug free like me.

Yet none of that matters, what matters is that I live in truth and that I live with Peace in my life and that I am able to co-exist with the humans that are also of sound mind and generous spirit.

When you rescue yourself instead of living as a victim it is rather easy to in fact Love your self truly for once for all. That Love is then reflected into the world it is an indicator of how you intend to live life #WholeHeartedly and #LeadFromWithin, It’s rather like fucking magic actually. Seriously I mean it.

I tend to go on like a broken record, I get into a groove of what I believe in, yet I still mention spindly towers tall buildings in urban cores and other things I used to focus my minds time with ideals I will always adore. Yet the common underlying layer of everything that has persisted in my life even throughout my Marijuana addicted 1995 spring to December 2nd 2010 time frame is #Truth #Transparency and relentless #Honesty. I don’t know how to play without my whole heart given away to those I love, I have since learned to Love my self however indeed. I don’t know how or why any one could play cards in a one on one relationship holding back their hand and sharing disparaging opinions with others again and again. I don’t think I will ever understand human motivation, which is odd for I am a marketer by trade and experience. I guess it is easier to sway the masses than it is to some times even have a conversation with one single individual human whom you think you know or are blinded by Love over.

These are the themes of my life:

Accountability & Transparency & Truth.
Love & Joy.
the village of #Galt in the city of Cambridge where I live *Currently.
Moving to Toronto or Vancouver or Ottawa in September *Potentially.
Eating very well and shopping buying food from Galt Farmers Market.
Not using drugs or alcohol to numb my life and my senses.
my new business PRüüPH marketing.
Telling the entire story not leaving out a single detail { for now many details are avoided for protection purposes to avoid misinterpretation and retaliation }
Photography
Technology
Music I love { mostly drum and base and ambient }
Movies I watch { mostly foreign language and documentary }
Reflection reflection reflection.
not too much reflection where I get stuck thinking about the past
Leaving the past behind.
Learning to give up on understanding the truth that was lost in my life for so long and why.
accepting the fact that I may never have any of my possessions or see my dogs PRüüPH ever again by choice.
giving up on understanding December 2nd December 9th and December 17th. once and for all.

is that too many themes? LOL I dunno, I feel like I could certainly remove the last 3 from the list sooner than later, I mean I hope that I can accomplish successfully and conclude those themes from being present in my life is what I mean, so they are no longer themes fore they are out of my mind and not something I occupy myself with considering at all.

I live alone I spend most of my time alone and working on the Internet, I spend time with other people each day and when I do I am energised greatly. I sleep better than I have in a decade, I need to discipline myself to go to bed much earlier more frequently. I need to have ‘dates’ with friends and spend time one on one and speak of my dreams the future and listen to their hopes and passions more frequently too, that also energises me and gives me insurmountable joy in life.

I tend to be a great helper, a great encourager, a great teacher indeed. I spend most of my time when I interact with most people I do teaching them things, the people I know better and have known longer or are on my team at PRüüPH marketing teach me things usually too, that is pretty great and I enjoy hearing their lessons about humans music history culture and living life well.

An idealist I will remain, a visionary I can’t refrain from being, albeit I often feel bogged down by surviving lately, I need more mental whitespace to imagine things again.

If you don’t know where you are going you don’t know where you’ll end up.
Perhaps that is not such a bad thing, and it is in fact great unanticipated opportunity.

I’ll ‘stick to my guns’, I’ll maintain my morale ethical fibre that I always was and always tried to have others appreciate and embody as part of the way they govern life and especially business, especially the business I founded in 1998 with a good friend and honest person “Beef”.

I’ll speak to you often, I speak as often as I can here, but I am just bursting inside to tell you all the truths of what I have *actually been going through and what things have actually occurred, but I can’t for each time I do share them here or on twitter more of those bad things get directed at me again and again.

I laugh at the old saying no good deed goes unpunished. How about you try, no truth goes un-punished, that is more like it. Small towns like to hide their secrets, small towns don’t like city boys who blow whistles, small towns like to pretend they don’t have big city drug abuse and alcoholism issues, o but they do, they do indeed, the big difference is, everyone knows who is who, and everyone turns a blind eye and lets live those who break laws and those who think they are entitled to this or that. It is rather insane if you know what I mean.

NO it’s not insane, it is the human condition, what it is actually is rather sickening.. but that I suppose is me making judgement, so sorry for that, yet the protectionism is kinda freaky weird eh..

ah what ever.. I gotta live my life and forget about those who accost me in public places simply based upon lies they have been told, I gotta grin and smile at them cause I know the truth, and I know how broken they are and how much they were used.

I won’t toast the scum bags like Kanye would I’ll pity them for I know full well they are irresponsible selfish greedy fools… None of that shit in my life wanted. NONE WHAT SO EVER THANK YOU ~!

ENDB..//

Aversion therapy a method of averting thoughts of things you don’t want to think about. You forgive yourself the judgement for doing that which you did to yourself and another. Truth needs no defence. Truth does not need to resist. Truth is the remedy.

Do not resist.

Create.

Dissolve any kind of negativity that comes your way. Create an opus by converting the negative energy that comes your way, free construction material, raw energetic material to create.

As a smart artist you use everything for your advancement and growth. A real pragmatic way of looking at it, real way of operating within that pragmatism.

Bounty.
Bring spiritual practicality to your daily life.

When you live that you will slip up, but you can remember how and why you slipped up, it takes practice, and you will discover what knocks you off course, you can get back on course. A good way to live is not to judge yourself and say you fucked up, you got off course. You can correct the course, get back on course.

The only way you can get on course, is by being the captain of your vessel your mind, Your spirit.

You use always in everything you do live love in ALL WAYS.

REAL LOVE.

Respect and Integrity and Honour.

Where do these things exist in your life? How do you consider them as they apply to my journey in life or yours?

Be true to you, the inner joy seeking humanoid that is within you.

It takes time to learn sometimes for many of us about what we are and whom we have decided to become, but always seeking awareness will help us find this sooner than not.

Leave judgement behind, Leave forgiveness at the forefront of the mind, focus on good, focus on joy, we are afters all creatures of great joy.

My cathartic period is most likely not completed. Perhaps it will take many months or years to finally purge all the pain and foolish choices that have been made of course as well all the chemicals I took into my body while smoking and vaporising Marijuana since the spring of 1995. Hard to imagine, how much of my life has been in a fog of drug addiction, hard to imagine that I like the woman who introduced me to Marijuana, in 1994 became a full on “Chronic” and was literally proud of it. In literal fact we were a beacon of hope to the Pot dealers and addicts we associated it, for the Mercedes Benz driving ad agency owning couple that ‘seemed to function’ and ‘seemed to be successful’ helped excuse us all from the addiction that diverted us from taking responsibility of life and living it fully and joyfully too.

So like what evers maahhhhhn, I can’t worry about shit like that, but consider this all a great lesson in life, one that I don’t get to share with my… er umm any one but me at this point bahbays… and that is a ok with me.

How does some one who uses and used worrying about other people as a distraction from worrying about self begin to worry about only self for once in their life?
Fucked if I know yet, but I have a feeling I am ahead of the game. Ahead as opposed to being behind, ahead as opposed as to being lost and not on a journey or not on an adventure. Ahead as in functioning more succinctly speaking more English more regularly. The kind that more humans can understand readily.

I don’t really know.
No I don’t know. But. I know.

I worked too hard for too many weeks, and so did the people around me. I think like I they are all liking it better now that I am more subdued. Less frantically worried about impending doom, if a dooms day comes then so be it. We might all have to run, and run quickly for a day or two. Lets worry about that day if it comes to be, work hard and have balance in life until that day if it ever comes for most it most likely will not.

So as per the ancient martial arts, you don’t resist, when some one attacks you are slanders you or defames you, you just smile and shake your head, no need to defend, no need to assert, the truth is the truth and it is what it is. There is no point to pretend that there is anything other that is going to defend against black energy, you need to deflect or avoid it entirely, let it pass right by not stand in its way. It is an art of being aware and an art of concentrating on Joy & Love.

Things go more smoothly when I don’t resist, I’ve spent my life getting my back raised for those who I saw being taken advantage of by improper acts of corporations, to no end other than myself getting personally enraged. Not much else, and hey that did not work out too good for me at all. So many lost opportunities, so many friends cast aside, so much wasted time and wasted life, but you can’t look at it like that you can judge it, you can’t judge. No you forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself for judging yourself for judging yourself and judging your acts. Forgiveness is paramount to it all.

So I took it easy this weekend, I tried not to sweat it at all, I tried not to do anything but you know stay totally positive, and sleep a lot, I mean a real lot, I slept through most of Sunday and missed the big hail storm, It has been a good weekend, a restful one, one that I have spent little time on the internet, or little time doing anything else other than taking pictures and reconnecting with new friends and old friends.

I go to the market on Saturday morning and I spend as much time as I want saying hi to those folks who I love to talk to and buy stuff from, I don’t worry about getting out of there for any reason. I love spending my time leisurely sharing conversation with those whom I buy things from. I don’t mind sharing the story of why I am now alone. I don’t need to flirt with the girls, maybe one day I will learn how to.

I like Galt cause it reminds me of living in Toronto, where you know the people who live near you and you know who you do business with. It’s rather awesome you know, and I really really like it. Yet I don’t think I will stay here forever, just till I am done cleaning up some old business and setting things straight. Galt is a great place and 519 is one big small town, from Guelph to KW and Cambridge word really spreads quickly and gets around. The truth comes out in the end, I don’t need to argue against anything that is untruthful I can just sit by calmly and grin knowing confidently time will tell. Time will tell fantastically.

So here we go, a week of greatnesses, a month of finally starting to get invoices out and work paid for, for the first time.. I always expected March would be the month, but I ended up procrastinating and getting distracted way way too much. So I never got any invoicing done like I should have. This week I’ll get it all caught up so I can catch up with all the money I owe to all the people who have helped make invoicing possible, they are first, then me lastly. That is how it works, first you pay your people then you pay your tools then if you have money left over you pay your self. If you can’t pay your people your dead in the water. Luckily I am using awesome technology too, so I can sleep at night and I don’t have to worry about my team doing crazy things like shutting down Web Sites cause none of them have over night psychosis that manifests into cutting off web sites. NO no we don’t have any crazy like that at PRüüPH marketing ‘wink wink’ and thank god we don’t have to worry about that with stellar stable and wholehearted contributors. It makes it easy to continue to do good work and rest at night. You know sleep without worrying what the morning will bring, what web site might be down, or what problems might present for no reason at all.

I LOVE IT. That sums it all up.

When I don’t know something I say so, when I have to ask one of my peeps and they have not gotten back to me yet I say so, when people get anxious I ask them to stop if they can’t stop then we part ways doing business. It’s as simple as that.

I LOVE IT.

It is helping make life calmer and more enjoyable every week. With each day that passes, I don’t sweat it. I don’t have to. So I don’t sweat it. Why would you?

Last month I did not have money for rent until the 1st day of April and it only came to me cause my Ontario Works lady called me down and said we have to give you your money. That is the last of it for 3 reasons, 1. I am going to make enough money to get off this month. 2. I do not have ID like my Birth Certificate and Sin Card so they have to deny me coverage. 3. They have had reports { gee who ever could it possibly be? LMFAO } that I work at a place where I am earning a job by voluntarily giving consulting and enabling the business to do web sites like I do at my firm PRüüPH marketing with WordPress etc too. So you add up those 3 reasons and you find that I am off of Ontario Works, or as old dudes like me call it, ‘Welfare’. I really thought I would get the invoices out in March, but I spent too much time worrying about other people again.

On the weekend I closed a deal to exchange a web site some video work & some photography for 40 Meals. It is a site for a restaurant, a guy who as it turns out is a dude I ran into a few times back in Toronto back in the Annex a guy who like me is wondering if he should be heading back to Toronto too. We both miss the life the vitality the energy of the city and the sophistication and understanding of city people. The complexity and quickness of mind that you might not get to enjoy if you don’t work in creative, marketing and IT industry like I do. Of course I work with people all across the country and in places as far away as Western Australia too even. So I get to work with people who might pick up the pace of daily life a bit more than some of the really wonderful local gentile farmer folks that my restaurant owner friend maybe complaining about and causing him to miss the big smoke more over about. Yet I enjoy them too, and I’ve learned a lot from their slower pace of life, things that will help me remain calm for the rest of my life.

So I am lucky eh, Lucky to be here right now, right here, right now, right where and when I am. No where else, with no one else with no distractions. A life filled with the things that I need.

Love
Truth
Joy
Happiness

I decided that they should be there, and I invite them to stay. They shall stay, and no one is capable of taking them away. Those who have them are more than welcome to join me. Join me on my adventure, join me on my journey.

Hey why the fuck not eh?
You only get one kick at the can, better make it the best kick you ever could man.

Peace homies… { Yes I am swearing.. sorry.. cover your ears.. oops too late for cursive language warnings }

ENDB..//

Galt, will I stay here? Will I remain here? or shall I go to Toronto? my heart’s home town? I met a lad a few months ago a few moons ago, he said stay out of Toronto until 2012 he said you should watch out there is going to be a dirty bomb go off there. I thought that was pretty crazy at the time, but he claimed to be very psychic too, not sure if he was, or just another victim of over abound Rave Scene drug abuse from the 90s. Who know’s I don’t have his phone number any more, you know like everything else I ever had, minus a few bags of clothes and two pairs of foot wear.

You know by now I am not able to talk to my wife, the one who tells many of you folks lies about how I got where I am and what I am up to and why, the reason why? Bail conditions, I am accused of breaking dishes, and not being erich nolan bertussi davies. That is totally true, they call it “Mischief under” Mischief under $5000.00 I’ll pay what ever they want me to in damages, even though I have a strong suspicion that one heck of a lot more things got broken that December 2nd when and after I left the loft. The number of doors that got broken in our relationship I could not even pretend to count, off the hinges. One time I even put my hand through a door, drug addiction in couples who have business when one lies utterly totally don’t mix very well. Maybe I should have gone to the hospital and the police on the grey cup weekend when I found the last of all the Red Flags before the eviction notice was found maybe but no, I was begged not to, I bought into it. I believed that change could occur, I do know now that this is not the case.

Rather than change I was only further abused controlled and lied to for the next several days. I have no idea if there ever was any truth, I know that problems that should have never cropped up were created on the heels of lies and defamation and slander by my business partner/wife. To such an extent that violent outbursts from a staff member we took on in December of 2005 became so volatile cutting off web sites randomly and keeping us up night after night as my wife tried to calm this beast she had created with lying to him about his pay and lying to him about me. I’m not sure how some people think being a victim and feeling sorry for them will be their best bet and best approach to life, I can only guess it is worsened by marijuana drug addiction and is something that is sincerely tied to self esteem and lack of loving self. It is rather confusing to say the least. Yet I can’t look back there.

I am doing all I can to help ex-soma clients and very soon to be ex-soma clients leave soma and continue working with their new service partners in most cases not my self of course. My greatest concern is for the social profits. My other concern is for the non somaICE clients whom are in many cases my personal friends. I have also advised from the peripherals without making direct contact with my wife which is forbidden for her firm and her new firm to use WordPress as I have been doing, and I see that her new company is and so are her closest friends, that is good, and I hope they continue on that course. Leaving the open-source movement was the insanity of the fool who’s greed and lack of knowledge and abundant ego got somaICE going down the wrong path till it is a useless proprietary CMS in a modern age, it’s like this, it’s very simple, ONE NUT can’t compete with 100s and 1000s and 10 000s of people contributing to a code base like WordPress, it’s pretty simple. So I am encouraging the other firms that are replacing soma on the Social Profit jobs to use WordPress too, some of them have mentioned Joomla or Drupal, yet I don’t think you can beat how easy WordPress is to install configure and find PlugIns for it’s rather amazing indeed. It truly is marvellous really.

The more people I am able to help Leave soma the more people I come across and get contacted by that soma owes money to, so far it is up to about $30 000.00 and guess what? Since I am still technically married to the owner I don’t have to worry about paying all just half of her soma debts. So I am making arrangements with the printer from Burlington, the woman who wanted Stress free chats, the book keeper from Oakville, the ADD expert from Oakville and the Lawyer from Burlington to pay them back what they are owed. People have mostly left cause they can’t get a hold of the owner(s) of soma and they get no response from them when they follow their directions and post trouble tickets in their basecamp system, so they tell me. I tell them all I know, and I would not have known much if it were not for being followed on twitter on one Saturday afternoon. I don’t quite understand how or why people think they can keep running away from problems I mean I really did not want to, I wanted to fix them, but I never was able to get a conversation going that would allow me and the owner of soma { yes the legally married to wife } to have a conversation. Why? I was angry well anger is a second stage emotion as a result of FEAR, for I sensed deeply that I was being lied to, as much as Love had blinded me, I knew I could not fight off my instinctual reaction to the body language of lying.

I helped conjure and feed a shopping addiction which I participated in, which I thought back when we had the first few shopping trips was harmless and could be managed and would help equip her to have the business woman’s clothes and confidence she needed to get the job done and be comfortable doing it. Boy o Boy was I wrong, I wonder how many pairs of shoes could have paid for a sound minded programmer who would have told us to dump somaICE too, much sooner than the last one who ascended to CEO and robbed her blind. I would not criticize him so much the CEO of 8 or so months if he had not also himself used WordPress so quickly albeit poorly by hacking the 2010 theme right away after leaving soma. I would not be so harsh on him, if he was not so harsh with me, lying to my friends telling them I assaulted my wife when they had already read my ‘disclosure’ from the Police about my Mischief charges, of which I remind you Under $5000.00 { more like $500.00 } of which I am accused of. It did not sink in for a while that the CEO had been lied to quite extensively and that my wife had been using as she used with me the role of victim to manipulate male employees to do work she could not pay for while she did what with the money I don’t really know. I wonder if it is a gambling addiction that is well hidden, an on-line one or just going to the slots or other things. Yet some how some way, since I have been away I have found much much more money was going to soma than I had ever anticipated and much much more project failure has occurred and much much more running away from honest debt and bills has happened over and over I have found too. None of it ads up, not one bit of it ads up.

At least one thing has recently been assured to me, and I’ve been told I will be happily informed next week about why I don’t have to worry about possible debt to “crazy boy” as he was known at soma. Name calling of folks was normal at the round table of finger pointing unfortunately, a despicable habit I am happy to have not participated in too much nor one that I thankfully continue now that I am away from there. One of the good people I work with today reminded me “don’t hate him, just feel sympathy for him, and hope he gets help one day” and I honestly do, for like many people he is another of those Aquired Brain Injury type people, I have a good friend who works in ABI therapy and he has done a lot to educate me about the conditions of ABI victims who were drug abusers. Yet like any problem in life your not going to get help until you ask for it, and if it is Mental illness oriented then by gosh your going to have to admit it first.

So I am just about done with looking in from afar, and shall be putting more space between me and the old beast soma as of today. It’s just getting to HOT over there, you’d think the soma ship being deep-sixed would have cooled things off, but it seems like there is a wee bit too much denial over there. What they don’t seem to understand as I do very much is you can’t not call people back and ignore them. I mean for heavens sake, Karen at Ancaster Community services has not heard from them for over a year, of course she has hired a local firm in Ancaster, the Ancaster fair left ages ago. The art of Possibilities has left they were not getting any response nor was Stress Chat so off the went to, the United Way of Cambridge is well on their way, so is another large firm from Cambridge, the least they could do is help them leave, o but right you have to email people back for that. People just wanted to be called back, kinda know how that feels, cause as the husband partner I only wanted to know what was going on, o right this mess that I am helping ex clients clean up while I line up to pay back debts for unfulfilled contracts. The water is full of clients who were or are trying to just barely get free of the sunk/sinking ship that soma is. Yet for some reason they remain in total denial. If things were truly so rosy, then why don’t they use their own technology on their new venture? http://stoneboard.ca ? Like don’t you have to eat your own pudding if you are a pudding maker? Why has not the prudent measure of migrating all clients to ‘add on domains’ using word press to minimise hosting packages have commenced yet? These are all logical things to do that take hours not days. It makes no sense it has been 5 months since me the big cause of all the problems got arrested being accused of breaking dishes.

So by the end of this year I’ll have paid all my debts and helped my wife avoid fraud charges, my gift to her, albeit she has told many I am on a restraining order and that is why we are not talking and why she has run away from Galt, which is cute cause we have no such laws in Canada, too much USA TV I guess. I call it lies by Pot and habit, she got mad at me a few times when I accused her of being a liar stating that her mother always said she was too. Was Karen on to something? Was that another Red Flag that I dismissed in blind love? Probably most likely I tend to fall really really hard for girls, well OK I USED TO. And let me tell you I never ever fell so hard for a chick as I fell for Jen, Never. Yet I wanted to, I wanted to fall that hard for the person I would spend the rest of my life with. I really really did.

So I am not fighting I am just airing the truth of my life as much as I can, I don’t want you to think any worse of her than you would me, I am just the guy who is lucky, why? I am lucky I have pretty much nothing but more than I need, A better Camera than I had in November, a better computer more clients in shorter amount of time than soma ever had, all due to using wordpress and living life honestly. I did not expect to get sucked into the wake of soma’s sinking ship as I was making a new life for me, but I did. I took on a client who had staff that was ready to kill me after being mislead into thinking I beat my wife and tossed my dogs against the walls of our Loft in Galt, and I’ve learned not to judge the Ill minded that would say such things, and the ill minded who would believe such things too. Yet sound minds prevail and so does reason. As you can tell and see it is not like all I am achieving is coming easily, it does not, it is really hard work.

One thing is for certain there is no turning back now, only healing and holding self accountable and being of sound mind and sound body, which in part includes ensuring that you take into you no silly things like Drugs even plain old Marijuana and Alcohol too. First sign your an addict, you think that pot is not such a bid deal and you do it every day, and you think I am a baby for saying it is bad for you.

YA WELL I smoked it every day for 12-14 years pretending to tell my self one day I would come out of the closet as a success story a man on a mission to say “hey look at me I am a success and I SMOKED POT EVERY DAY FOR WOW SEE HOW LONG” First I thought it would be 3 years then I thought it would be 5 then I thought it would be 7 no 10 ah man when are we going to be successful again? lol talk about addict in denial eh?

Of course that is exactly how it is. You remain in denial, you remain pointing fingers at everyone else you remain too scared to let all the balls drop and stand up for your self, for today and say enough is enough I need help getting off this drug~! I need help with my addiction. and it’s not like my wife could not do it, I am sure she could find a place for the cats, and figure out a way to get the dogs to me without tripping me into a ‘direct or in-direct contact’ to send me back to jail, I am more than liquid enough to take care of them and I am sure they both miss me a lot too. I spent like 3-4 years with them every day all day pretty much. She could do it. She is smart enough to do it. Yet I don’t know why she would refuse to be honest with herself and instead help herself and cease the charade? She should just look around, see who is in her life that she has known for more than 12 months, who is a real true friend? Where is everyone she grew up with? Why does she have to use a new name she has not used ever in her adult life? Does it makes sense? Who or what is she running from? Is it even legal to do things like use one name for business than another for new business and not deal with your debts and broken promises? These are all things she has to hold up to the mirror, it matters not who helped get her to where she is, the point is that she DID and she can’t point the finger at any one else, she can’t manipulate people to work for her free again, the ship is sunk the piggy bank broken. Drugs are not going to make it go away or get any better and using them to cope with today is of course not the answer either.

So like I said I am the lucky one, I got arrested I got off the Pot, here I am starting life all over again, already 4 months deep into it.. and it’s pretty awesome so far. Not easy, but awesome, I need to sleep more, I need to worry less, I need to eat more and put on weight, I need more balance in my life, but it is going to happen big time this week, as I finish up with helping the ex soma peeps escape, even though soma is in denial. I don’t have to lie to people about who I am working with, I don’t have to pretend that I have a team, I cc them when I quote clients so they all know how much money is coming in. It is how I always wanted to do it, not how it was done at soma. I know what it takes in 2011, I bloody well knew in 1999, too bad I took on partners. Too bad I let fear and greed take over a vision I had of absolute transparency and collaboration, but good all the same cause boy o boy did I gain skills these past 12 years of soma, good or bad end to soma as it were.

So my wedding band is staying off my left hand, I am not arguing with ‘the ex’ moniker any more. No point some of my clients have asked me if I would even sign papers saying that if I got back if I ever was together again that she’d have nothing to do with my new business nor participate in the day to day operations of it. I said well of course I would ask her opinion about things at the end of the day, let her look over my shoulder IF that were ever to happen, but as you all know she seems pretty darn-toot’n resolved and assured that is not going to ever be the case. That is ok by me, pretty sure she never wanted the marriage in the first place, what with how much and for long she asserts I’ve been a ‘monster’ for and all and such. So I wished the lies would end, what I got is space and time away from them. Close enough. Sure it would be great if what she said to me on the 9th of December was true, but she can’t take my tell all blog. Sure it would be nice if what she said to the crown attorney was true to, that she dose not hate me and that she Loves me and does not want me to get in trouble she only wants me to get help, but you know what, there are dozens of people she could send a message to me through either way, ‘erich your out of my life for good’ or ‘erich I hope you don’t get in trouble I’ll see you when the court is over’ but she is too scared to, she is far too committed to the farce she is living now. That is a bloody shame, cause the only thing in life that matters is interpersonal relationships with humans. Not stuff, not things, who cares about things?

She can’t forgive my public discourse, she is far too private a person, she can’t take back a person who has spoken to the entire world about the things that I have, how ever the hell doing this could cause any harm? Could it? No, if anything perhaps some one who reads it cause I know there is no way in hell she could be reading this, given the way she carries on, would maybe slap her in the face with the mirror and perhaps she would be lucky like I have been and start to take responsibility for her life, and start by dropping all the balls and picking her self back up. Get a job, in a freaking mall, stop smoking the pot and put life back together in simple ways. No fear, facing all the demons.

Will she be so lucky? Will she? Would she have the courage to do what she needs to do to save her own soul her own heart? Not for any one else but her? I really don’t know. I really don’t have a freaking clue. Yet I still kinda hope for her sake she will, cause I am getting done with worrying about someone who can’t take care of them selves and needs to be a victim that manipulates people to feel sorry for her and points fingers instead of taking responsibility. Some one who refuses to have the basic common curtsey and business sense to call Social Profits like Good Will Breast cancer and United way back. As well as other debt holders like Stress Chat and Art of Possibilities too. All she needed to do was learn how to say ‘sorry I fucked up’ and pull the plug and drop all the balls.

So I can’t worry about a person who is in denial like that, they are creating their own hell on earth, they are creating a life they can not cope with and choose to ignore. It is not healthy it is not sustainable, and it wreaks of self loathing and total utter lack of self Love. The only thing that is going to attract is more leeches and scum bags and vultures. Not much else. Certainly not sound minds that is for damn sure.

Look I am not pissed ok, I am just fed up with my self for worrying about this state of humanity. I have good people on board with PRüüPH people I Love to tell I Love, I just have had a real hard time trying to avoid being tattooed soma, aka snake oil salesmen for it. Well too helping clients escape is also something that has caused me to get closer to the garbage and lies that come out of what is left of soma. I am sick of being mr take it on the back and let them speak ill of you. I don’t need more crazy people like Paul Reena being incited to come after me, showing up where I work, showing up at a NYE party only cause he hoped he’d have a chance to beat me down. I mean, what the hell kind of lies are being told to incite nut bars to violence? I just can’t believe this some days.

So there it all is, the what the funk, time for some more distance, some greater amount of space, and more time to heal, greater separation of what was soma and my life with the woman who pronounces without even a single conversation that I am her ex, all after sending me a I’ll Love you forever text? What could have made her change so drastically from what she said on December 9th? Will I ever know?

I dunno? On with Life ~! On with PRüüPH on with doing good and helping people escape the neglect and lack of customer service and platform stability that is somaICE. Let alone myopic feature set as compared to WordPress.. They really should at least migrate JLCroonen.com off of somaICE and onto WordPress I mean come on, why won’t soma snap out of it?

I’ll end with something that one of my good friends does for a living something perhaps I should have gotten from her before Jen and I got married and I took her name of Davies at the end of my string of names……..

Comparison of

Jen Davis

and

erich Bertussi

Data for Jen Davis:                                 Data for erich Bertussi:
July 21, 1977                                           October 17, 1973
6:00 AM                                                      1:20 AM
Daylight Savings Time observed.       Daylight Savings Time observed.
Time Zone: 5 hours West.                       Time Zone: 5 hours West.

Sun 28 deg 32 min Cancer                      Sun 23 deg 42 min Libra
Moon 28 deg 15 min Virgo                     Moon 1 deg 06 min Cancer
Mercury 19 deg 28 min Leo                  Mercury 18 deg 08 min Scorpio
Venus 16 deg 05 min Gemini                  Venus 8 deg 53 min Sagittarius
Mars 2 deg 38 min Gemini                      Mars 4 deg 13 min Taurus
Jupiter 24 deg 13 min Gemini                   Jupiter 2 deg 51 min Aquarius
Saturn 17 deg 30 min Leo                       Saturn 4 deg 45 min Cancer
Uranus 7 deg 42 min Scorpio                        Uranus 23 deg 27 min Libra
Neptune 13 deg 41 min Sagittarius               Neptune 5 deg 39 min Sagittarius
Pluto 11 deg 39 min Libra                              Pluto 5 deg 02 min Libra

Mysticalcraft.com
Arriana
Tucson, Az

Jen Davis’s Sun in Cancer and erich Bertussi’s Sun in Libra:

Both of you need people and you prefer harmony and peace in
your lives and relationships. You are apt to avoid conflict or
disruption as much as possible. Fiery, temperamental displays
are not your style (unless indicated by other factors in your
charts). But in other ways you differ quite a bit: Jen Davis is
more moody and emotionally tied to the past and to familiar
places and people. erich Bertussi tends to be more reasonable,
even, fair, and somewhat more rational and detached.

Jen Davis acts on feelings and intuition, while erich
Bertussi balances and weighs everything carefully and logically
before coming to a decision. There need be no major clashes
between you as long as you respect one another’s ways.

Jen Davis’s Moon in Virgo and erich Bertussi’s Moon in Cancer:

Both of you have the emotional habits of worry, anxiety,
and over-concern about loved ones or life in general. You are
both caring and supportive, but you express this in different
ways. erich Bertussi is more emotional, compassionate and
tender, and appears more sympathetic than Jen Davis, who wants
to help but may seem unemotional and critical at the same time.
Jen Davis’s support is often shown by doing something practical,
taking care of something concrete and tangible (running errands,
taking care of business, etc.) while erich Bertussi empathizes
with others’ feelings and personal experiences far more easily.

Irritability over others’ inefficiency, lack of
punctuality, or sloppiness often makes Jen Davis difficult to
get along with. Jen Davis’s perfectionism is turned inward as
well, so that Jen Davis may feel inadequate or that
accomplishments are “never enough”. Learning self-acceptance,
self-love, and relaxation are important for Jen Davis’s
well-being, and erich Bertussi can contribute significantly to
this because erich Bertussi is more accepting and non-judgmental
than Jen Davis is. erich Bertussi, on the other hand, has a lot
of emotional ups and downs and appreciates Jen Davis’s quiet
devotion to tasks and faithful friendship.

Jen Davis’s Sun Opposition erich Bertussi’s Jupiter:

There is a great deal of enthusiasm and optimism in your
relationship. You inspire each other to expand your horizons,
explore new possibilities, and improve your financial and social
situation. You have a lot of good will towards each other, and
also allow each other a lot of freedom. You may, however, engage
in risky speculations together that are driven more by optimism
and hopefulness than by well thought out plans, and consequently
fall far short of your expectations. Overall, however, this
astrological influence is a positive one of good will and
optimism.

erich Bertussi’s Sun Trine Jen Davis’s Jupiter:

The two of you really enjoy each other’s company! Jen Davis
has a great deal of confidence in erich Bertussi and is able to
see erich Bertussi’s best qualities. You are very encouraging
and supportive of each other, helping each other to be more

confident, open new doors, and advance and grow in both inner
and outer ways. This positive note of good will and harmony is
also invaluable in helping the two of you overcome differences
in temperament and other stressful aspects of your relationship
discussed elsewhere in this report.

Jen Davis’s Moon Square erich Bertussi’s Moon:

There are many differences in your personal habits and
tastes. You are inclined to become very annoyed with each other
over minor differences. Irritations over small differences of
opinion and a tendency to be inconsiderate towards each other
can make you both feel uncomfortable. These annoyances are not
likely to lead to major upsets or seriously threaten the
integrity of your relationship, but they are a nuisance. You
must learn to respect the differences in your temperaments and
personal habits, and strive to be aware of each other’s needs.

Jen Davis’s Mercury Square erich Bertussi’s Mercury:

You approach problems and solve mental problems in very
different ways, and this tends to be a source of friction in
your relationship. For example, one of you may feel that the
other depends too much on intuition rather than logic, or makes
decisions too impulsively, or focuses too narrowly, etc. These
differences tend to be very irritating to each other, so try to
be very tolerant of each other. Sometimes you will simply not be
able to work together on a problem; you will need to sometimes
work independently of each other to “stay out of each other’s
hair”.

erich Bertussi’s Mercury Square Jen Davis’s Saturn:

Jen Davis is often critical and coldly analytical of erich
Bertussi’s ideas, and erich Bertussi is likely to feel belittled
by Jen Davis. If both of you are able to offer criticisms and
comments with a helpful, positive attitude, then this
astrological influence need not be overwhelming, but the
tendency to feel blocked and frustrated in your communications
is very strong. You must make sincere efforts to listen
receptively and sympathetically!

erich Bertussi’s Venus Conjunct Jen Davis’s Neptune:

Subjects such as theatre, poetry, and music are likely to
arise frequently when you get together. If you share an
interest in similar artistic styles, you will find that this
relationship enhances the artistic appreciation and sensitivity
of both of you.

Jen Davis’s Mars Opposition erich Bertussi’s Neptune:

You can act very silly and childish together. When the two
of you get together, you love to let your imaginations run wild.
You have difficulty accomplishing anything of a serious or
mundane nature together, and you prefer to explore artistic,
religious, and metaphysical areas, rather than focus on more
mundane affairs.

erich Bertussi’s Mars Opposition Jen Davis’s Uranus:

You provoke one another to be bold and to take risks. You
easily become impatient and even reckless with each other. Also
you may enjoy vigorous physical activities together, and it is
likely that you play competitive sports with one another. If you
come to cross purposes, you can become very hostile towards each
other.

Jen Davis’s Mars Trine erich Bertussi’s Jupiter:

The two of you form an effective, dynamic team in any
venture or endeavor. You work together very well in
accomplishing daily tasks, and it is likely that you will also
successfully coordinate efforts on joint efforts as well. erich
Bertussi provides the vision, the social contacts, and ideas,
while Jen Davis provides energy, decisive will, and enthusiasm.

Jen Davis’s Mars Trine erich Bertussi’s Pluto:

You build one another’s courage, and bring out the Hero in
one another. Together, you have an enormous amount of energy
for working and accomplishing. erich Bertussi, especially, may
drive or push Jen Davis further than Jen Davis could go or would
want to go alone.

Email Arriana for a personal reading on Mysticalcraft.com

www.mysticalcraft.com
your one stop Tarot shop !!!

Hope you enjoyed today’s post.. Hope you stuck it out for the entire ride. Hope you are getting to know more about who I am and what got me here.

ENDB..//

My body is still vibrating from this, the largest dose of adrenaline that I feel I have had since NYE, when Paul surprisingly showed up and told me he was there with the intent to beat me to a pulp. Now I had a client from the U of W architecture school present and I was binding for her 3 copies of her thesis, and Paul did indicate to me that he was looking for Mike, the guy who owns the computer shop. I called one of Paul’s clients, and asked them if he knew Mike and they indicated to me that they did not think he did, but Pauls mother had done business with Mike in years gone past. They said Paul was in Galt for them, that he was town to do their hair. Paul was in town and stopped by to see a person I work with but Paul does not have to expect he is in fact on good terms or relations necessarily even. For Pauls reputation albeit unbeknownst to me precedes him quite a bit indeed for any who have had the displeasure of being in contact with him, with that I must indeed agree, for the first night I met him his behaviour was deplorable and utterly despicable by my vote.

Now what could Paul really be doing here? Why has Paul come here? What purpose could he have for being here? I really don’t know. Yet I certainly did not get an apology for the threats he uttered and the abusive language he used toward me, so again I do feel threatened. Congrats Paul you really confirmed your character today in my mind without a single piece of doubt. One thing Paul most likely does not know is that Mike the guy who owns the computer shop knows all about my journey and if Paul is here to defame or slander me or make contact me or make contact with people i know, on behalf of other people then he may be surprised about how open transparent and honest I am with everyone including the entire world that chooses to show up on this my blog and read it.

I’ve been discrete about Paul, those who know me most likely do not know who I am referring to, those who know Paul personally may indeed know. I don’t use his last name, I don’t state whom he works for in Guelph. But if you know him then you know who I am referring to. Paul needs help, Paul needs to admit he needs it and seek it. Paul knows he has addiction issues, but he is unwilling to do anything about them. Paul might not be fully of his own behaviours. Nor aware of the impact they make. Paul is deeply troubled and I know this for he spoke candidly in his drunken/drug saturated state on NYE, when he opened up to me about the abuse he endured as a child, sexual in nature and something that he has not been able to reconcile nor get full ability to understand or forgive or move beyond. It makes me thankful that the life I have had was not as bad as many other peoples lives have been in their own past.

So here I am sitting trying to breath deep trying to ask my heart beats to slow down, trying to hope that Paul has not come to Galt to cause me trouble, knowing in my heart that he can’t cause me any trouble, for I live an open life and a fully transparent and truthful one. I have even been able to try to make a menz and begin to reconcile all the debts and issues and problems that were left behind in Burlington. Debts with lawyers debts with ex clients of my former ship, debts the captain did not let me know fully about either. Something that I should have done long ago, something that I could have done starting in 2005, something that I decided I did not deserve to know about. Something that fear can’t keep me back from solving. Debts I will need to begin to repay this year as my new brand name PRüüPH marketing grows.

Now the fear that I get from physical threat from people who seem to be as volatile and damaged as Paul however is deeper more primal, more ‘real’ because and indeed it is chemically based in it’s nature and harder to control, especially when some one like him enters your place of work, your safe space, a space you hope you have eminent control over. Not a great feeling. Not someone I ever want to see ever again, for any reason, he has brought great sorrow to my life, and great cause to never want to share space with him for any reason. So I’ll have to find out from Mike, how well if he knows Paul or has any business dealings with him. ( and I did later that Thursday ) I gave Paul that grace of not knowing if he had business with Mike and treated him like a customer all the same. If he has come here to cause me trouble he will not be given that grace whatsoever ever slightly minisculey ever again.

Not being able to talk to someone who you spent 8 years of your life with and having their agents come into close contact with you, especially ones that have threatened you grievous bodily harm is very troubling. Yet I can not judge, and I must indeed forgive. For I know Paul is deeply troubled and is not aware of his actions nor their impacts. As well I have no idea if Paul is acting on his own or if he truly is an agent sent on behalf. None the less I wish he could be denied entry to Galt to help me maintain a sense of well being and safety.

I hope Paul gets help for his past, I hope Paul stays out of my life, I really don’t ever want to see him. His behaviour and getting some one close to me drunk was deplorable and one of the most traumatic experiences I had the night before my VW bug was destroyed by a former soma employee. An accident entirely. Yet a 24 hour period that was very very troubling for me. A period I will not soon forget. A time that I will not ever be able to reconcile. Yet acts that I try to not judge and moments that I must forgive, for I know Paul lied and pretended he was a ‘Gay Hair dresser’ in order to get close to someone whom he should not have. So he could get them drunk and have his fun for the night.

I hope Paul one day is able to live his life and be a wholehearted human. I hope Paul learns to take responsibility for his addiction(s) and his very traumatic child hood sexual abuse from his father as he did tell me. I hope Paul understands the old German saying “Lügen haben kurze Beine” and decides to be an honest person as it will get him further.

I don’t hope this, for Paul for I know Paul and care for him as a friend, NO I ONLY hope this for Paul for he IS A HUMAN, and until he does get the help he needs until he takes responsibility for his life I feel he will be causing harm to people near about or in his life closely until he does, so I fear for the ‘collateral damage’ this bull in a china shop does cause.

Paul needs to do what I have done, take responsibility for his life and start apologising to the mess he has left in his wake. Of course as well, leave good people like me alone and stay away from from and out of my life all the same.

I forgive you Paul, NOW PLEASE STAY THE F!!$# away from me.

ENDB..//

No seriously just listen….

That is what I am trying to do, but not trying to do, it is a daily struggle. Who do I listen to? What advice do I take? What words on air are meaningful and true?

I know one thing, I am listening better to my clients, I am doing great things, I am listening to my team. They rock so it is easy any way.

So what would you do?
Who would you listen to?
Who would you ask questions to?

Out here in 519, years away from friends almost 100kms away from some of them, and god only knows how far away or near from everything that are my possessions if I ever end up seeing them again of course is another question.

How the hell am I supposed to not worry? How the heck can I help if no help can be or has been asked? What am I supposed to do about years of un-returned phone calls and e-mails?

I am doing what I can rescuing who I can helping others escape as much as I can. Directing others as much as I can, but I can’t do much else, cause I don’t know a damn thing and quite frankly I obviously never did. It seems to me that since April 1st 2010 things really started to go downhill, the day after or week after my previous firm named a child it’s CEO, a young lad who had all the potential but none of the gusto, and I picked him in grave error I now know. How could it be this bad? How could I be cleaning up as much as I am? How is it I can get 6-10x $ for doing a brand new web site compared to taking it up the ass and migrating from an antiquated CMS that left the open source movement that I helped start in the 90s. A CMS that the kid programmer turned CEO swore he could fix, while no one got any service or phone calls back for at least the entire year he was CEO, and now, well it looks like the ship has sunk completely. My voice remains to this day on the outgoing voice-mail system. So I get contacted, cause I am available and I lead an open life and I also contact cause I am concerned about what I have seen from those who have contacted me. I use the same name I have used for a long while the only name I have ever used publicly on the internet, my entire name at that Erich Nolan Bertussi Davies.

The ship has sunk, and I am on a rescue mission.

What else am I supposed to do? I can’t judge the owner, they should have never been put at the helm. I did that I put them there, the doctor who diagnosed me with Celiac said quite blankly I should have never have done it. She did make me cry when she told me in the morning of December 30th 2010. She also told me there is nothing I can do now the captain has to ask for help and admit they need it, like I had done.

This is my mess, I made it, I need to clean it up. Sure I decided and sure there were tonnes of excuses and reasons to step back from my old company, and I rather felt like I was forced into retirement after 2007 when my Opa died. Sure I could say I had no choice, but the simple fact is, I felt like I was useless, I felt like I was a total piece of shit.

I thought no one liked me, I thought none of the clients of my former firm wanted to see me, but I have since learned this is truly not the case at all.

I have listened to many horror stories, I have learned that many are escaping on their own and when I come by in my lifeboat they are already on their own way. I like to know that cause I worry about them all, at least what is left of the 150+ that were there in 2006 now down to something like less than 40 as best as I can tell from looking in from a very limited outside view.

What needs to happen is or what should been happening now is they should be getting contacted, they should be given fair warning, it is not right for them to start a new company and not warn the rest of those on the old boat, it is more than obvious now that it is not sinking but it has actually sunk.

All they ever wanted was a response, not to be forced into some strange system and fill out messages that would be ignored. All they ever wanted was to see that they would be treated like humans, and equally too, even if they were non profit/social profit organisations, this much is true.

They needed a partner, how I want one too, how I wanted one too, not just at home but in business, but that is not what I had, and I should have not have forced it either. opps one of those shoulda woulda coulda.

I try not to have regrets about how I got where I am today, but man o man, some days this crap is tough to deal with. I’ve come to realise how badly I need a tablet PC and how badly I need my personal ID, you know my birth certificate my Sin card, so I can open up bank accounts and such. No more money from the province now, I am on my own. The March $740 was the last of it for sure.

I’ve been unable to get my ID so they can’t give me money, I’ve been able to make money with PRüüPH so that too would be an issue for them. A meeting that was booked today happened to conflict with other more pressing matters with another more punitive jurisdiction of the province.

So it is tough, I know too much now, the worry I had prior to December 2nd was about the fact that I knew nothing, someone was really scared that I’d be disappointed, well sure I am, but not with them with me for not listening ~!

People tell me nes pas des go backs, there is no turning back, and that is true, but I have changed, and I have asked for help and I have begun to listen real good. So I have been told and I also very much know any person can do that too. Regardless, I have a lot of people to get in touch with and find out how much is owed and begin to tally it all up. I don’t have any ownership in the old firm and I had not since 2005 but no matter what 1/2 of what it owes is going to be owed by me, so I am hoping to it, in an effort to proactively rescue and make a menz. As best as I can of course. I can’t rescue them all, some I never really knew or did anything with, and they are far far far already too pissed. So the only thing I will be to do is try to find out how much is owed and pay my half, cause no matter what debt is shared that way and there is nothing else I can do other than what is right and proper.

I saw a dude today go to jail for a few thousand dollars, the reason? Why did the judge decide it? She decided cause he ‘dipped into the well 3 times over’, he used the money that was given in deposit for other things than he said he would, he used a trust relationship to get it too.

This blew my mind, blew it to smithereens…. He had 4 kids was living in a trailer and had ‘no extravagant lifestyle’ to speak of.. Dude is going to jail over a few thousand dollars, of Fraud. As much as the target was put on my back, as much as the gun sights might be aimed at others. There is no way in hell I can stand by and not do what I can to ensure that full accountability is taken for all that went bad at my former firm. Sure sure it was not mine, sure sure my firm went dead in 2005 but if what I always thought was people treating the captain of that ship poorly as I defended the captain by telling clients to stop being unreasonable this time or that, while getting in trouble for it too, as it turns out they were just un-happy neglected accounts, made that way cause I choose to step back from owning up to being the founding visionary of my previous firm.

I ran up the mast of the ship and hid in the bucket, I ‘retired’ and looked for ‘volunteer work’ heaven forbid I go find a job and undermine the work of the new captain by making it appear the firm was doing poorly, heaven forbid I bud into the details of the business, Heaven forbid I defend myself against in-appropriate assertions of a guest who said in September 2009 that none of the details of the business were mine to be had in any fashion. If only that woman knew just what she was saying, if only she knew how many years I had been trying to get in edge wise and reverse the course that was set the day I ran up the mast. She must know some things cause she is one of the first who were warned and given a life jacket and life boat and are off on their own now. Apply your own ethical barometer I am supposed to be done with judging, and I don’t know why I choose to jump out of the Mercedes on Water St. at the corner of Park Hill and go wander the parking lot crying like an Asshole, and follow it up with 7 days of near silence… coupled with a trip to north bay where some one who should not have been forced to drive due to a bad back did just that. Why do I run away? Why do people run away? I won’t do it ever again, I’ll continue to take full responsibility.

I have no choice, I really don’t want to see any one I know go to jail cause they took over my company and did things that people are telling me are fraud. So I am going to really try hard to do what I can to pay off my half, hopefully with maintainable faith that I can satisfy all those who are totally and utterly pissed. I really have no idea what I am up against.

All that ever needed to be done was stop. Why didn’t I listen? Why did I not stop it when I could have?

Easy I decided to make poor choices based on a sad state of mind.

This is the lesson I am still learning. It is a tough one. Some days are tougher than others too.

I know one thing for sure, I would not have got here if I did not admit I needed help and ask for it.
I know another thing for sure, I would not have got here if I did not stop pointing fingers at others.

I like to learn, I know what I like and I like what I know.

It is easier to deal with these burdens when I judge not my self nor the other parties that helped create them. I will wonder for a while now, did the ‘would-be programmer ascended CEO’ defraud the owner? Where lies told to him about me designed to keep me from the company keep me far away so I like he would not find out about the truth of what was going on and the neglect that had occurred? If he did defraud my old firm pretending that the CMS was of any value and should be fixed indicate how poor his skills were at programming, or how crafty he was at misleading? Will I ever know? I picked him, right off the twitters, or did he pick me a desperate sucker? When I should have investigated #WordPress & Joomla & Drupal in fall 2009 I choose to leave replacing the old programmer instead to the captain of the ship, a person who did not know how to e-mail in 2002, a person to this day that needs my help more than ever too. Yet I can’t give it with my current life path. Yet I won’t give it if it is not therefore asked.

The path I am on is strong and true, it does not leave behind my obligations to ensure that the chaos that was my old firm even though not owned by me, no matter what is still legally half my debt, no matter how much of a house husband I choose to be and for how long I choose to be it.

Yet and again you only get help when you ask for it, you only get help when you need it, you will get help if you take full responsibility for your life and you will only get help after doing so if you can prove you deserve it. These are the rules the humans live by, this I am learning this is part of my lesson.

So quite frankly I owe I owe so off to work I go..

Keeping in mind that there are those who I consulted to, there are those that I took photos for & there are those that owe me too, so they will be invoiced, they can take responsibility for their debts to me too. My terms were simple, You meet the goals, you give me credit, you pay me back in time, IF you don’t meet the agreed to goals, if you don’t give me credit for my contribution, your full bill becomes due at FULL RATE.

My heart is open my faith is strong, but that does not mean step on my back when I am down. No revenge in knowing who’s foot prints are on my back, business is business, I am owed what I said I would be owed if terms were not kept. It is rather simple as a matter of fact. You don’t take from me and not give, you don’t injure my family and cause harm unknowingly to the captain of the ship I set afloat, a captain that is no captain and a captain that told me again and again and again and again, that they don’t want any part of it. While I continued to assume and assume and place high expectations to now find out not even the most modest of them were ever kept or met.

All the pressure in the world does perhaps make diamonds out of coal, but it does not make sound humans. I have to take responsibility in my current state of full and utter sobriety, I know I can only change me, I know I have no control over any one else, but I am rather influential and although I can not take full blame for all things, for many things many many things were hidden from me, I do know I fostered an environment, where I ignored red flags did not listen to the actual needs of the captain, and made it near impossible for the captain to be honest with me. They were too afraid, and remain so to this day. My court crap will be over, and I will be available, not to give advice but to suggest options. I refuse to dictate choice and although it is easy for me to want to prearrange or pre-plan a very exact course, a good friend must only help show options and never say what to do. A good friend and advisor helps show choices the best ones they can think of, a good friend and advisor remains always available bearing no judgement.

That is my heart, that is who I am, that is who I was before ‘recreational herbs’ became a daily part of my life in the late 90s, as it was a part of the captains since 2000-2001 till this very day as well… That too the captain has to face, that too the captain has to make due haste to bring about and come to a full stop and end of. Taking full responsibility for a countless list of sad choices can not be had under the influence of ‘recreational herbs’ taken daily to numb yesterdays mistakes and last weeks forgotten phone calls and last months buggered up work, and last years lost contracts. Not in judgement but in mere fact, all these things must be rectified. I will be working on my half, ready to help, yet only if I am asked. Ready to not tell what to do, but provide options like the true friend I am and always will be always has.

No regrets, I would not have gotten here to learn all these hard lessons, if I did not take this exact path.

This is my journey. Thanks for taking the time to read this segment of it.

PEACE ~! and wish me good luck on April 19th my final actual final day to face ‘the man’ for final judgement.

ENBD..//

I did it.

Many of you knew I could. I even got a random txt message last week from my cousin Rahm he said only this “you can do it” I replied to him “I can do what? what is “it”?” he replied to some effect that I can do what ever “it” is, and he was not specific he was just feeling rather positive and felt compelled to reach out to me and hope to encourage me. Well he did, and he was correct, I can do it, and I really F#*!ing did do it. I got my 5D Mark II.

There’s no turning back now. I did this. This is all my fault. and thank god and the universe it is.

I’m cashing in the Karma cows, I really am, and each day I live reminds me how much I deserve to live the life that I WANT. Not a life on a mission, not a life for anyone else but me.

Sure sure it took me till I had entered by 38th year after I turned 37 by doing so in the 10th month in 2010 on the 17th day being born in 73 was just too many 7′s and 0′s and 3′s at once to not make me think about things….. { Random patterns seem to do that to me }.. make me think twice, consider things, look at things from a different perspective. More importantly become totally and utterly and irrevocably tired of being exposed to relentless lies { I’ll not dwell on that }. So I did choose at the beginning of November to demand complete and utter transparency. Guess what? I didn’t get it. Not even a single shred of it. No instead I got less. { opps no dwelling right.. move on beyond this.. }

Regardless even though my journey only began on December 2nd I had decided at the end of August 2010 that things had to change, that was it I was not going to keep living the way I was, sure I let my self get distracted by helping the fall election campaign. Sure I let off lots of steam pounding in election sign stakes deep into the ground for election signs all over Cambridge especially Franklin Blvd and CanAmera Parkway, but the conversation was never had, the responses never made. Nothing reconciled. No reason. No excuses. It all started to get more justified, this sad pattern back in 2009 when a meddler from North Bay took it upon herself to interject into my life her opinions about my ‘emotional acuity’ asserting that I was in fact “emotionally retarded” when in fact I am rather well rounded and much more normal and boring than most would have figured. Regardless of her assertions they should have never been well received, but they should have been argued with { oops I am doing some shoulda coulda tonight.. forgive me.. }.

Yet for some people it is far far more important to them about an of “how it appears” than “how it is”. So NO effort is given to communicate fully and transparently and honestly only anecdotal brevities are shed in their steads. How does one get to that state? The full-on utter hollow collapse of well being? The complete and totality of shallowness and lack of authentic being? How does a master manipulator come to be a “master of manipulation” so much that many too close for the time they are, have no chance of even seeing? Who honestly knows, it’s just not my or our problem(s) it is certainly theirs. You can feel sorry for them, but no matter how much you Love them there is nothing you can do unless they admit the truth and ask for help too.

Who else is being fooled? Who else is being or has been sucked into the folds? Who wants to shake my hand ask me how I am doing? Sure?, I’m supposed to buy that from any one? One who put their hands deep in their pockets? With body language so overt? so obvious? What ever, I may have turned a blind eye before cause I did not want to believe what my heart was telling me, what it had been yelling at me for YEARS.. What was my heart telling me? “I hate greed,” “I hate leeches,” “I hate anything other than full transparency and authentic genuine truth.”

So I went on an angry rampage last year, well since September 2009, when that individual who should be in weekly counselling not just for her Alcoholism but her acquired brain injury due to MASSIVE amounts of “you name it I tried killing my self by overdosing on it” drug abuse, decided to get her S#!T up in my business, after I went to her in deep confidence begging for help trying to understand an utter lack of transparency and honestly that was a significant part of my life, I mean who the heck has the gall to interject into a couples relationship and recommend obfuscation of truth? Little did I know she’d already been spoken to. Little was I aware selfishness and the depths of what she was made of, o and crap loads of fear too, fear that the gifts ostensibly from me, at my order at least, with many strings attached would be cut, as they should have been, or fear of the having not kept to commitments would be coupled with financial burdens for the consulting work that I had generously deferred billing for.

So I went on an angry rampage, busting the balls of everyone, stirring up the controversies on the twitters, calling out any one out who I thought was producing less than excellent work, until I got fired in April 2010 on the 1st with no warning without even an explanation afterwards. Fired from a volunteer position at the company I founded. A job that had no pay even actually. To this day no one told me I was fired, my friends tried to tell me to ‘stop pimping them’, I only realised late in December 2010 after my rebirth on December 24th that the #Truth was, I got fired on April 1st and the owner probably told the CEO I knew what was happening to me too.

So I went on an angry rampage, { go figure } seeking understanding, living in utter angst, wishing I could start running any where but at least away. Little had I known contingency plans had always been enabled and pursued to deal with my departure in such a manor as to suggest that I was things that I find unimaginable at best.

So I finally started my journey to re-gain control over my life on December 2nd, to take utter and full responsibility for everything in it.
It was far more an abrupt beginning { not one that I choose in clear or sound conscious} than I would have ever hoped for, I lived in ‘Bridges’ an experience I will always cherish no matter how hard it was to bare no matter how painful it was. Yo! and Wow was my heart aching, man was I in shock, man was it tough to survive it and gone beyond that very recent and traumatic past. Holy crap was it hard to be stuffed with bread at every meal when in fact I was Celiac.

100 days is time to celebrate, to celebrate my great success, { everybody loves a good come back story } to continue to know I can keep my eyes forward and seldom reflect or spend time looking in the mirror like I have in this post tonight, like I have today. Yet I remain cognisant of the reality that I would not be here today if I did not live the way I did in the previous two years. Even though I could not see my own struggle, admit my own angst, there were/are those who have great hope and much Love for me did notice and feel my pain as I expressed my self on twitter, as well when I openly participated in syndication of the horrors of the Police activity at the G20 in Toronto.

I was broken, and a really good person at heart, a really good giver and a human with a sincere and deeply intrinsic moral ethical fibre in every part of my life, or so I hoped and felt with the blights around me. Yet few knew like my was sage MR.D. where the trouble die lie, and it did lie to me repeatedly and daily. As I lied to myself ignoring the truths and red flags so glaringly in my face.

100 days of freedom, on the heels of punitive acts of false victimisation. 100 days of utter and WholeHearted reflection, 100 days of finally figuring out how to LeadFromWithin, 100 days of learning how to Love my self, something I chuckled at not knowing a clue about something I argued with Mr D. asserting “I don’t matter this is not about me” man o man was I out to lunch, man o man was I judging myself. Man o man don’t you judge others foolishly when you judge your self too I now see.

The reason I am where I am is I deserved and deserve to get here, It is my right in life to have joy, it is my right in life to have transparency and truth, it is my right in life to have the success I choose.

I get redemption when I give great thanks, not just at ‘thanks-giving’ but every day I wake. The only reason ‘why?’ The only glimpse of knowing how or why I got here how I could escape? Cause I want what I want, and I will never let any one ever take me away from me again, no matter what, I could sense this in that odd pattern of numbers in the 10th month of 2010 on the 17th when I turned 37 born in 73, just a random pattern perhaps, but man o man did it make me think, as the day passed with little acknowledgement or even a wink.

I deserve great things, for I give great things, I deserve great things for I need to create more of them with my great gifts. So here is to being out of the fog and in a proper state of mind, here is to knowing that in the future red flags will be easily identified. Here is to knowing that I have a proper check list and from here on forward only the sane, Just, WholeHearted and Loving, need apply. Those who seek joy and seek to share it, those who are as repulsed by lies as I am, those who hold them selves accountable and embrace their vulnerabilities. Those who do not point fingers and speak poorly of others in ways that even strangers do not speak of each other. No I am quite certain that I am certain of nothing, other than knowing what I want, and wanting what I know. To give this one kick at the can the best life for me. PERIOD NO F#!@!ING HOLDS BARRED

ENBD..//

So counselling is good, and I’ve come to the opinion that WE ALL might just well go, it’s good to go to. A weekly human expert a habit change guider, a challenger to what you think is healthy and what you spend your time thinking about. It’s simple some really good S#!t, seriously it really is. It’s not like a best friend, it’s not like a family member, it is up to you to be 100% honest, and they are not going to let you point the finger for one second, you have to be 100% honest. If you have not taken utter responsibility for whom you are and what life you lead, the choices you make and the outcomes they take, then your going to go no where fast, o er umm yah just like in life. They are not there to bust your balls or make you feel un-happy, that is your own choice after all any way too.

I go once / week and I try to take away a new lesson or two. Here are a few things I have learned.

I don’t play enough.

I turn a blind eye to truths when I have decided to Love.

I ignore my own health for business or work.

I don’t let my anger get out and bottle it up too much.

I place myself in familiar places of being an inviter of abuse from other people.

I don’t stand up for my self when I must.

I don’t put boundaries enough into my life when I must.

I am genuine.

I am a good guy.

I love deeply and passionately.

I live passionately.

I am passionate and that is just fine eh.

I worry too much, about the things I have no control over.

I am learning how to worry less about the things I have no control over.

The only thing I have control over is my own behaviour and thoughts and acts.

No matter what I coulda, shoulda, woulda, myself with there is no way I can predict that things that I had no control of would have been any different, even if I knew more about them as I have found out since December 2nd, or would have been any different if I had ‘acted’ differently prior to December 2nd.

I must accept that what was prior to and including up until about December 22nd especially December 2nd/3rd 12th 13th & 17th and 21st is something that I must accept without judgement.

Man a lot of this is hard.

I don’t go about my day without pain, I don’t go about my day without regret, I don’t go about my day without feelings of loss and disappointment.

What I am trying to do is embody habits that don’t let those thoughts drag me down. What I am trying to do is not let those things drag me down or confuse me by judging them. I am putting it all out, I am leaving no shades of doubt. I could have had a rough weekend, I won’t lie it was up and down, Friday night was awesome, I had wine and talked for hours with some women who are starting a really awesome TV show. Saturday was wicked I got more organised and made progress on some important projects. Saturday night was confusing. Sunday morning serene, Sunday afternoon feverish with tonnes of work getting done, Sunday night chillatte as I went to StarBucks with one of the good lads who is helping me get my WordPress ‘pawnaged’ { which is a colloquial for ‘owned’ } so by Tuesday I was feeling a wee tired, and like I’d been on an emotional roller coaster.

I mean it’s not like I think about anything else than, other than you know like this one certain thing. Ok maybe you don’t know….

But as much as I try as hard as I can since Saturday it has been harder than it was to keep it out of my mind…. and as I discussed with my counsellor I can’t judge Saturday, I can’t decide to pretend to know why, there are dozens of channels the same one that was used on the 9th of December 2010, maybe it was just an accident, maybe I can’t read into it.. but how do I feel about it? how did I put it to my counsellor therapist dude? I said it was kinda cruel.. cause I don’t know what it means and there is no way for me to tell, my wise sage the one who was the channel on the 9th tells me to not over think it, and that it is a good thing not a bad thing… yet I felt vulnerable by it, I felt threatened by it, cause there is no way of knowing what it is, or if it was an accident I was at work, { the volunteer webmaster job at eyelevel in Galt } the sun had just finished setting, it was 18:20 in the eve, and here it is a picture in my in-box, on my blackberry. Totally kosher nothing wrong with it, totally permissible, but totally utterly unexpected, if anything I would have expected my sage to pass me a word up. She has done that in the past shortly after the 9th of December.

So counselling is helping me on a weekly basis to choose serenity, for I can only change me, and everything else in life I must accept.

You know I am doing all I can to acquire tools to replace the ones I never got and replace the clothes I don’t have. This is not necessary, I mean it could have been avoided, but I can’t gripe about it, it’s a nice challenge.

Time passes, it passes fast, and the time between each visit, to the counsellor is short. yet the big thing I’ve come to know is many people should be taking up this kind of habit, many many people indeed. Especially those with Addictions, be it ex nurses who are marijuana addicted, who self prescribe appetite enhancements that give them angries all the same. Be it diplomat types with video game addiction, who just can’t bare reality as it is and choose to disappear into a mind melding virtual game. Be it former drug and alcohol addicts who have been abused or even raped, and most likely have acquired some serious brain injuries from life harsh some times on the streets perhaps. Be it the child of abuse, on and off of depression drugs for many times in life. Be it any one who has even just had loss of a parent far far too young. Be it those who have had to make hard choices in life and perhaps were not given the choices to keep life that was growing within them. Be it those who have lost siblings to senseless murder or seen atrocities in war torn regions.

There are all sorts of deeply traumatic reasons to become stuck in a rut of sadness, the only escape is going to be with the help of professionals. Human habit engineers.

The only way you are going to get there is admit you need help, you need to be honest with your self, you need to never point the finger and only ever realise that pointing it actually points three fingers back at you. They add up, those fingers you point at your self, they really add up.

The moment you admit the truth, the second you decide your going to take full and utter responsibility for you life, you will have begun an adventure of evolution of self, true transcendence of this world.

You won’t let things like other people take over your life, you won’t let other people tell you things poor and sad about those whom you love no matter what, you won’t seek sympathy for your sad choices you’ll own them, you’ll reconcile with those whom you’ve hurt, you’ll apologise for the lack of discussion about those things that should never be left un-discussed. You’ll not hide truths from those whom you love, you’ll not continue to dodge your responsibilities and treat others with neglect, you’ll not ignore life and all it’s richness.

You will OWN IT. You will OWN you. You won’t get caught up trying to prove your right and they are wrong, telling your self lies about how you know this is the case, sharing them in too much haste. The humans they do have really really good bullshit detectors, unless you are really good at writing down all your BS and know lots about each and every half truth you purport as truth your going to get caught, and if you are diverting your self with any addictions, then well guess what your not going to be in any actual state of reality to be able to be a fair judge of your own daily behaviour in any sense at all. Yet you won’t get away with pretending your a good actor for the genuine set. NO those in the know they can smell the BS coming for miles and miles, not even the best actors can fool them, the leeches? the dim wits the clueless? they could care less, they just want to suck a bit of your life blood out of you so long as you are standing. If they had any sense like those who distance them selves rationally then they’d keep to their own space too. Greed has no bounds. Yet your potential Joy has no limits.

It’s not just rhetoric, it’s just plain whether you are awake or not. Going through the motions or not. Numbing your mind with TV, drugs, booze, you name it, pot what ever, gambling too. there are so many things you can choose to divert your self from reality and taking responsibility for the world you have created.

The question is are you going to lie to your self? I did for many years, it does not matter what my motives are, it does not even matter that some of them were really decent genuine and that I am a very authentic and generous ‘good guy’, a farce is a farce. It’s no life.

It’s like they tried telling a piece of my generation with that 90′s Film ‘Train Spotting’

“CHOOSE LIFE”

or your just a F#$%!ing walking, living dead zombie. Just buying time, going through the motions.

ENBD..//

davies.
mr point
point
mrpoint too..

that dude from Toronto.
the cat, cheese, computer guy.

That guy who used to be an A$$hole on twitter.

ICH BIN

what am i made of?

I am made of passion,
I am made of grey matter,
I am made of water,
I am made of bone.

I am made of truth
I am made of Love
I am made of adventure
I am made of Love

I love to love
I love to love loving,

I love to cuddle with the one I love
I love to Love only the one I Love

I love to love

what am I made of?
why am I made of it?
I don’t really know.

But my guess is that it is a choice, a choice to be what you want to be for you have decided how you want to be.

What am I made of?

Everything that I know and everything that I have experienced over the course of my entire life. A culmination of everything I have done participated in and learned at once. Yet this does not dictate the shape and form of whom to which that if what which I become. No only my choices dictate that, the ways I choose to use all these things and how I choose to see them and how I choose to let them affect me.

You can learn lots about what you are made of by deciding to know and wanting to know what you are made of, transversely you can learn a lot about what you are not, by paying attention to your own wants and needs. Both choices are of you, both truths exist within you, it is up to you to decide if you will notice or look at them in any way. Or ignore it all and scrape away, at life, remain full of confusion and hate. Some times you need a helping hand, some times you get stepped on or you get kicked in the back when you are down, you better be smart enough to ask for help getting back up. You best be aware of what you’re made of, so you know when you need to ask for help when it is prudent. You’ll know better if you decide to look inside, to look within to lead from within, it’s no sin, to admit you messed up, it is no mistake to admit you lied even. It is unsustainable however to keep piling on the BS, and pretending ‘one day it will get better’, it will ONLY GET WORSE.

Worse is a choice, lack of joy is reality. Why choose to rob self of joy why choose to judge self? Why be embarrassed about thinking you’ll disappoint some one? Instead be honest with them sooner than later, so you can have your own peace of mind, coming clean does not need to be sudden and violent like ripping off a bandage, it is however you decide to characterise it. It need not be an all consuming of life endeavour or something that is full of drama, forgiveness comes easily to those who are humble and truthful, no matter how deep or big or how long they have been digging their hole.

Sure some things are deal breakers, but at least you can avoid living life running from the last blights you caused by sad choices, or less than truthful ways of living your life indeed. Do your best to make a menz with colleagues and friends, your chance to do such will never cease so long as they have breath and are living souls on this earth. There is a great lift of suffering that will get off your back and off your shoulders when you come clean, when you are honest transparent and fully seen. The respect you lost by perpetuating a farce, may not ever fully return, but at least you can go out and be off without as much of the frowns. These are all choices these things of our lives, and we can make them any time, no one will force you to ‘snap out of it’, no one will even tell you they think you might be ‘on something’ but they will know, and they will act. It will cost you more than you think, it could cost you those you love dearly, it could cost you those who dearly love you.

Who am I? is a question we must all ask our selves, if we don’t know the answer, then how can any one know who we are either? It does not mean we need live life by some sort of draconian pre-determinant set of rules or obligations, or policies of ethics and moral codes.. it only means we should really know Who we are deep deep inside. So we can feel at ease, and feel relaxed and be confident in all we do, rather than scared or anxious for the next thing or greener grasses, chasing after fictions, burning our own asses.

Who am I? is a question we can only answer once we decide to be authentically genuine with our selves and begin to take full responsibility for everything we do in life. To hold our selves accountable to the choices we make, to honestly look in the mirror and own each choice each and every day. To decide to look at the past with joy and no judgement in our hearts. To be open to wonderment each day all day, as we seek give and receive more Love always… It begins with giving thanks for all you have each day, not things so much, but the people who love you and easily prove it with how they act and how they appreciate you. Then you avoid judging, but don’t judge your self too harshly if you do, forgive yourself as you must forgive those whom you think you might be justified to point the finger at.

We all fall down now and then, your not a unique snow flake if you do, nor are your reasons.
It is how we get back up, and we need not do it alone, we need to seek help as much as we can ask for and we can indeed ask for a lot.
When we ask for help we need to be honest, we need to be first honest with our selves, we can’t keep up impressions for no one wants to help some one who is not asking truthfully and genuinely it just won’t compel them to act, you might fool the odd injured soul like your own, but that is not going to help, it may just worsen things and continue to delay a true transformation which if your like me you might actually need.

I was lucky I was drawn to a helper, I was drawn to a home of nurturing and great love, I don’t know how I choose to go there, but it is where I ended up. I was lucky to have the will to ask for help, I was lucky to know that I could not get up without asking for help. I was lucky I had met these people I was lucky that they could tell more about who I was than I knew what I was at the time I needed them. I was lucky that even though I could not answer the question “Who am I?” they could still tell. I was lucky they had chosen to live a life by example and would set a wonderful example that will touch my heart and remain deep in soul and bring me tears of joy so long as I live. A great even keeled man, a great wise and gentle soul, who would teach me so much I could launch PRüüPH marketing on a whim.

Who I am, is an amazing person that Loves deeply has great faith in humanity, has great trust in human beings, has great hopes for all I see, and is some one who will always dream. Who I am is me, and being me is pretty damn great… don’t mean to brag or get all goofy with self affirmations, but I can not lie, it is cool to be me, and you know what it’s even a wee bit fun to know that there are those out there who have said really sad things about me. Cause you know what? It has helped me know that those who are good and aware and on the ball see those things and ignore it all, it helps me know that no matter what opinions people have about me, no matter what has or will be said about me, the best people the really good ones that you want to keep will rise above the hyperbole and really still be there for you. Sure you might get distance when a bomb goes off, but people don’t want drama in their lives, we all have enough.

So I’ll say this, there is no greater fortune than there is the fortune of ‘loosing it all’ falling on your face, so you can know.

WHO YOU ARE>>

ENBD…//