Somewhat nearly by accident, somewhat totally by design, somewhat out of utter desperation and totally being absolutely sick and tired of being up and down and often miserable and sick and tired, I came upon a switch.
The switch is what I had been seeking, and seeking advice in regards to for quite some time. The switch I found resides within my own mind. The switch I found is nothing new nothing bold nothing magical and nothing that each and every single human does not have. Yes we all have a frontal lobe, indeed we all have freewill.
I spoke of #FreeWill many times before, I spoke of knowing but I really never had a bloody clue. I was trying to know, but not allowing myself to simply be aware. I wanted to be aware, I was more aware than before yet I was still not yet fully aware, nor do I remain to be in any state of full awareness yet, although I strive for greater awareness each day with each act I choose and each emotion that comes to me via my creation of states of mind and thoughts that occur some, and some not quite so divine. Mostly I was just trying to have control, mostly I was just being a totally insecure scaredy pants control freak.
It has been an odd year.
It has been a full year that 2011 was.
Hindsight might be 20/20 but some times, at least in my case it took time for everything to come into focus. It took time for the groggy foggy haziness to subside enough to get sick and tired of being sick and tired and miserable…. I think I said that. I will most likely say it again. .
I’ve taken to reading for the first time in my life, sure, sure, I read tonnes of ‘articles’ on-line every day, what I mean to say is for the first time in my life I am reading books and learning from other people and listening to other people in ways that I’ve never done before in my life at all. I owe this to it being well over a year since I’ve partook in formerly daily rituals that left my mind in an altered state that was not balanced.
Perhaps I’ve said this all before perhaps I need to keep reminding myself only, what ever the cause for compulsion I need to remember every day, ‘it’s all my fault’ ‘it is all my creation’ every single last moment that I blamed or pretended was justified in sharing blame with other people. I was, I remain, the main actor in my own life. I remain at the helm of choice of all the acts in my own life. I can never forget all that I created every single last bit of every single last thing that came to me in 2010 and 2011 was entirely and solely my own creation. I tried to carry on with a sense of justifiable pain, justifiable hurt, justifiable sense of life sometimes two to tango, but it did no sit well with my heart, it did not sit well with my true feelings about life. From that stance of not sitting well I ensured I punished myself, with feelings of guilt with feelings of shame with acts of poor mindedness with choices I felt I had not choice but to allow to be made. In essence I boiled down like I’ve said many times before 10 years of failure into 10 months. It was literally a crash course repeat of screwing up in less than 1/10th the amount of time previously.
Wow what a cluster F%&! of F#%! ups 2011 was, starting with my first blog posts in December 2010 starting with my calls to police to get help to regain control over my assets. I was scared, I was angry at the system, I was tired of the system lying to me, I was tired of the system being a barrier to my being free, and I had desperately wanted a sense of freedom, one that will only achieve when I decide each day that I am in fact as free as I know in my heart I am. I mean it took me until mid February to admit that I was as in as bad shape as I was, I was that scared of every bureaucrat or liaison of any was part of setting up traps for me to stumble into, from the first group of lies that were told about my anger with the bureaucracy to the default actions of bureaucrats I was stark raving paranoid. Yet at the same time I expressed myself and my fear in odd and only self damaging ways from December 2010 till as recently as October and November of 2011. I did not heal, I did not actually look in the mirror, I sliced it up and decided that I could share it. Social conformity took precedence over personal awareness and ultimate truth.
My truth, my delayed taking full and utter responsibility was the persistence of poor choices in ( small excuse yes I know ) a state of poor mindedness, I choose poorly, I choose to chop things up into pieces, I choose to say, like an immature child who is forced to look in the mirror that there is still separation of self and universe. When I am coming to know that the universe is self and that self is indeed the universe we create around as as it is a reflection of our inner-space our inner emotional state of well being or lack therein.
Once for some reason I finally took full and actual responsibility for EVERYTHING a few key things happened in my brain, and perhaps I’ll never quite understand why or how. First I stopped being angry, in fact I’ve only been angry once since, at a very close and well loved relative whom asked me ‘why I was buttering them up’, I think they were expecting me to ask to borrow money or something like that lol, so I got snippy with them proclaiming I just wanted some of their sage insights, fore they seemed to be perpetually happy. 1st thing part two was I stopped being angry at people for ‘doing things to me’ since I realised no one ever did anything to me, and that I had done everything to myself and had created everything myself. 2nd thing was I stopped being scared of what people might ‘do to me’ since it was me that was actually doing anything/everything around me any way. 3rd thing was I did not even have to feel like I had to forgive anything of any one since no one had actually ever done anything to me, but I certainly have a great overwhelming sense of apology for the hurt and pain I have caused other people in my agenda saturated life that has been lived for the past 10-15 years. 4th thing was I have found there to be much greater sense of ease in interacting with people, although I still get alarmist and agenda ridden at the bar if I have had a few drinks… ergo my political habits surface as the alarmist of far too much colloquial knowledge ( opinion ) that I can tend to be rears it’s ugly head.. under the helm of a wee bit of liquid courage.. which lately keeps getting put in my hand at no cost to me .
So you can’t go on feeling bad about what you have done in the past, this love thy self thing has finally come to being understood by me, it had escaped me all year, I know I was told and I thought I had understood, but I did not take it into practice.. coupled with loving yourself it seems you are at once quite capable of not taking your self as seriously which means other people need not fear your overbearing obvious sense of being overtly serious which was a common tradition, I generally expressed.
I started flipping the switch to good memories when possessed with one that I had thought was bad, including a few times when I was a kid and I thought I was punished too heavily, I’ve come to realise that 3 incidents in my child hood were not indicative of a long standing pattern of a relationship between me and the would be levier of the punitive. I choose social conformity instead of truth, I choose social conformity way way back in 1995, in a guise of empathy I took on lies into my memories to better be equipped to empathise. Funny how that works eh, now I find one of the greatest things of fun is to give my dad a big huge giant hug, ( he is little like 5’6′ish ) so I tower over him and he always reminds me to not break his neck lol, I missed that, for over 15 years. Now when I think of times gone by I am able to think of the awesome times the great events that occurred in life with my father and how hard he tried to keep me interested in school and getting their on time, even driving me there when I was a kid in high-school.
I started to not worry about the coming of tomorrow and the how it would come to be.
I started to dream of my dreams and come to know just what are my genuine dreams, when I shared with my mother the fact that I thought I should really focus on doing documentaries, she so as matter of factly said to me ‘you always wanted to make Films, you always wanted a to buy a video camera, I don’t know why you did not do that. why don’t you do that?’ Funny how our Mothers know us better than we do, and therein lies a very very important piece of keeping a close, mature and healthy relationship with our parents.
I started to be more aware of now, of how I was affecting other people, I started to stop forcing myself to be miserable, I stopped punishing myself for my inner feelings of guilt over all the things I did last year that I felt I had no choice but to do. I started to stop fearing retaliation realising that I did not have to worry since I would no longer make choices where I “thought I had no choice” which in fact were just very poor decisions being made.
I started to realise that I am no where near as smart as I thought I was, and have become blown away by the intelligence of people around me and in my life. Taking the time to be present to appreciate their wealth of knowledge and experience truly makes me marvel at the wonder of their stories in ways that I must hone up and keep on exercising as a would be Documentary Film Maker.
Ya so, I spent the entire year of 2011 doing things I did not want to do, avoiding taking full responsibility for my entire life, continuing to point the finger at other people, being scared of bureaucracies and the lies on paper they do tend to tell, ( sorry not trying to be judgey but there are some inherent megalithic flaws in our modern systemics of governance and corporate institutions, but I am hoping to see some of that changed sincerely with my working with tribeforth Foundation ) I spent the greater part of 2011 not living but pretending I was only a passenger and reacting to everything when in the end I was the person who was inciting everything, I spent the entire year of 2011 scarring other people too, I spent the entire 2011 not taking responsibility for my own world, I spent it not being happy, I spent it punishing myself, I spent it feeling guilty over not being able to say I was sorry and reconcile things with the past, it’s a good thing I only reconciled with my parents, I was honestly no where near ready prepared or even keeled enough to begin to pretend that I would ever be able to properly attempt to apologise to most of the people that I remain due to apologise to.
One day at a time, smelling the roses, listening to the river flow by.
One day at a time, one moment as it comes.
Trying to listen, trying to love myself, trying my best to not focus on what I choose to be bad memories worthy of punishing myself.
Trying to ask for forgiveness for being pretty much an Asshole with an overbearing agenda for most of the past 15 years. Trying to apologies for not choosing to take responsibility for my own life for the past 15 years.
I have so many people to thank for trying to help lead me to the water to take that drink, I have so many people to hug to share some of the love I feel and gratitude I have for their efforts.
Yet in the end it was only my own resolve my own locating or rather choosing to locate within my mind that switch would would allow me to take full responsibility for my entire life. To find that switch that would allow me to choose to feel good and smile so much that my face is sore from smiling and my belly sore from laughing in ways that I have never known in my entire life.
If last year after being shown the mirror I felt like I was reborn again, then since December 24th when I was shown the mirror I have only been in a state of hopeful metamorphosis, now hoping to emerge finally and for once and for all an actual Human being of flesh and soul and heart and Love.
I’m not sure how this all happened, I am not sure why, but in the end, I don’t spend too much time dissecting it, I am just thankful it finally worked out this way. You really have no idea how much I was getting sick of the roller coaster of not being fully responsible for that which is my life and entirely up to me. Sure I may have talked a good talk, but I sure as heck did not walk what I talked. Now more over I am not even worried, I am just hoping to have fun, and continue to seek knowledge and greater awareness and maybe one day a nice chunk of enlightenment.
Time goes by quick, time goes by fast, nearing 40 years old, I’ve certainly come close to the half way mark, knowing how time is relative, I know I have in fact already past it.
So ‘hip hip hooray’ to the rest of this short life on this rock flying through the vacuum of space and the big and little joys it will bring as I continue on my adventure of self discovery.
Lucky to be me, lucky to have lived what I have, lucky to have shared the good the sad and the ugly with whom I have and shall share it with.
I am seriously done with done with that miserable angsty crap, and look very forward to the next 12 months of increased soundness of mind and balance of life and levity of soul and deepness of LOVE.
thank everything that I can giggle at myself for not having realised this sooner instead of feeling awkward or sad or disappointed, instead I giggle knowing that I would in the past have felt negative, now I feel so relieved that I know there is mostly what I don’t know what I don’t know and some that I do know I don’t know, of course the rest is work in progress from there.
I am ready for 2012 and beyond.
I am ready to live.
I am ready to breath.
I am ready to just be plain old happy… lol.. sounds so goofy to think of it.. but it’s so true you have no idea until you live it…. we each may or may not find our own path to this place in time and space, so be it.. this is life.. lucky I am, I am where I am..
Ok, I think that is enough said. Kind of repetitive I know, but I was over due sharing, and well perhaps I’ll share more often so I can chop these thoughts out into smaller pieces.