i speak to you here often

Things like tools get other things done.
Other things get things to show.

Only tools.
Only need.
Only want.

Commence to seek to allow to desire that which is desirable.

Cease to punish to hold back that which is chosen to slow and hold back.

Cease to persist the state of paralysis.

Commence to commence.
Commence to persist a choice of happiness.
Regardless.

Freedom to pursue.
Freedom in the lack of the material.
Freedom to do what so many never could consider while their possessions own them.

It was said “only when we have lost everything are we able todo anything”

Why waste such opportunity on stagnation?

Why stagnate?

Why let ‘false evidence appear real’?
Why let FEAR rule?

I must cease to stop lying to myself.
I must cease doing anything that is not real.
I must peruse the dream even my mother knew without hesitation when I spoke to her recently; to make documetaries.

It was always about seeking authentic human purpose.
It was always about earning enough money to make documentaries.
It was always a barrier to the actualization of the actual dream.

The dream to document Canadian Culture as it felt it was eroding in the face of the onset of US culture.

Everything was a means to an end.
Never was energy dedicated to the end, never was time dedicated to articulation of the real dream.

Sacrifice.
Fear.
Distraction.

Lies to self.
Souls on the shelf.

Souls behind.
Solitude confines.

It feels like I do not know where to commence.
It feels like there is too much to consider to even wake up some days.
If feels like it is empty when it is not shared.
It feels like you don’t know what you want until you have nothing and all you want is a pair of socks and more underwear.
It feels like it is empty when it is empty when you’ve never ever ever lived alone, save for a few months between room mates on the one off occasion over a decade ago in the 90s.

I can be vexed for days contemplating pursuing life alone, it simply seems joy-less when you have no one to come home to, to share your daily successes with.

What I am trying to learn so I can enable my dream is to celebrate alone my successes and lessons learned.

So far I don’t know how to do that. So far it seems like I have not got a single clue actually.

Everything that now is, is very much my creation and only my fault. Going back to 1994 in December when I choose to chose poorly from then on out until December of 2010 when the ultimate of poor choices was made.

So in the echoes of fears and bad choices I burned up an entire year.

I repeated 10+ years of abject failure into 10 months or less.

Back to square one it seemed.
Learn to slow right down perhaps was needed?

That is what was hoped would happen in the country side as the global national winds blew how they would, my thinking I could affect them without knowing and having myself in proper order first.

My anxiety over the police state, my anxiety over the effects od automotive culture and my enamournce over Internet technology made me certain I could save the entire planet for all the humans.

Clouded minds, lead to clouded delusions of grandeur.
Pressure built daily as I relenquished control and responsibility of my own life. A passenger by choice, a very poor one at that.

So back to square one, back to being broke as I was a year ago with no social security net in place this time.

Yet this time my mind is clear, yet this time I am not as much driven by fear.

I am close to frozen however, I am too cogniscant of each days date as it passes and relates to what occurred on that date in the past.

I’m not sure yet how to release this energy I am not yet sure how to accept.

But at least,
But once and for,
But thank the universe finally,
I am not angry,
I have not been angry since I decided my last co-CEO role was not for me. Wow was I pissed that day, pissed at my self for not expressing and promoting my vision clearly.

Nope once you realise it is all your own fault you stop feeling angry, well ok maybe not right away, but I a while when you start to forgive yourself and begin to stop trying to punish yourself for being so oh soooo soooo poor with the making of decisions. Then maybe you can decide to live.

Yet I am still stuck for some damn reason.
Yet I know I know how to do what I need to do to manifest all my dreams, and I know what my dream is too.

I used to say “know what you want – want what you know” now I have come to realize that this was incomplete, it should be, it is “know what you want – want what you know – get what you want”

You have to be comfortable with knowing you deseve what you want and that the universe wants you to command manifest destiny and this is simply how it just works.

Thed trick is to decideto be positive which for me is nearly opposite of what i used to decide was the way chose and chose poorly to see and live in the world.

I’ve got to come to grips with understanding what I have control over and what i do not have any control over and thusly let go and not get upset about and get fearful over those things which i have absolutely no control over in my life.

Which may mean being smart about ensuring I steer clear from dangers that could deepen my lack of control over certain parts od my life…..

I’m not sure yet. Since I really have no clue.

What I know is, it is all my fault, and 2011 was a huge repeat and glaring evidence that I had not learned a damn thing from the lessons the universe was trying to give me.

Not a damn clue I proved did I have all year.

I should have slowed down, instead I took the wrong course, instead I caused more harm in thinking i was protecting in thinking I was helping, in thinking I was pursuing my dreams.

All I did was delay and create a distant cold yet active war, one I lost over a year ago before it began. Of course and granted I was and most likely would have been regardless in a impaired state of mind due to 10+ years of poor decisions.

So now I know what I want, so now what the f#%! do i do about it?

Do I harp about not being able to share it? Do I harp about being alone with it? Do I sleep all day and remain frozen and scared day after day fate day after day?

I sure hell hope not. it’s only my time in this place and time on earth that is wasting away.

So hope for me.
So pray for me.
So envision for me what I want go manifest in my life.

Help me gather the tools I need to make my vision real.
Help me put my life in proper order so I can feel joy that I so desperately want to feel.

Help me accept the systemic failures that when coupled with the poor choices i have made in life created the loss of everything I ever had. Greatest loss being the 5 souls.

It is all my fault.

Now I don’t know what to actually do. I only know what I want to do. The first thing I want is to be active in my pursuit of that which I have a deep burning desire for which is make documentaries.

My first feature length and multi media piece is HWY6.ca.

I will study the evolution of culture along the evolving HWY6 in Ontario Province in Canada.

I have no idea where it will take me.

Now I must activate and move forward at a prudent pace. I have a job to which I can sell tools of marketing like have for many years. All I need to do is finish making my lists.

Hope each day for me that I can.
Hope for me that my dreams will come true like many dreams that already came true, if not fully at least in part and how I thought I had wanted them.

ENB..//