three eight

I used to dread the coming of my birthday, I dreaded it fore it seemed to me that the obligation to be responsive to the expectations of other people was never more encompassing and freedom reducing than on my birthday.

Last year I spent my birthday as I had spent most previous years, waiting. I don’t really know what I was waiting for, and well, lets pretend I don’t look back which is what birthdays tend to do to us don’t they? They tend to cause us to reflect, as well as look ahead.

Birthdays like NYE are those times of year where we mentally emotionally flip a switch arbitrarily fore our culture(s) have decided that this is a tipping point, or a moment that is remarkable. Our friends our colleagues wish us “Happy Birthday” we receive gifts for surviving another year. We experience a sense of love from those who love us and or hold us dear.

You can often build up a lot of expectations into a birthday, if expectations of you on your birthday are not built up into those who are around you and share you life with you, you could feel entitled to ‘receiving’ gifts or perhaps even the more modest of expectations or demanding, ‘time’ from those whom you hold dear.

How your birthday goes could be something that you decide. Is it a day of reckoning a day of casting judgement into the behaviours or actions or in-actions of those whom you are sharing you life with? It could be as my birthday was last year something that I’ve decided as I now pause at the keyboard to not get into citing the pause as my instincts reminding me not to dig up the past, as I pause many times further finishing this sentence. Suffice it to say birthdays are a great opportunity to give yourself a mid-life quarter life or half life crisis, if you want to go on judging yourself or those around you….

I have come a long way in the past year, lots further than I expected, it was around this time last year right up until exactly one month later on November 17th that I lost my entire vision of what the coming weeks would bare, I literally had no idea, for what seemed like the first time in my entire life. When I spent the evening of October 25th during the Municipal election at a candidates after party, I was numb. I had just finished spending what I had decided would be my last active distraction and that it was time, I was overdue taking control of my life. I had become a passenger, I had become surrounded by material I had lost my way, I had lost control over my first company, I had lost influence over it’s governance. I was loosing my grip, I was slipping into a vast bottomless pit and I could not see the light on the other side of the end of the month of November. I could not see anything in January. I lost my vision of the future. I only saw emptiness, I had chosen to loose all hope. { Little did I know that I had undiagnosed Coeliac Disease and was actually in fact wasting away, literally dying inside }

To be forward, I’ve not yet regained hope entirely, I don’t know where I am going still, I am trying to figure out how I got here, and what choices in life got me here now. On the business side of life things are not easy, technology has distorted how humans interact and how they communicate and interrelate. I am hoping that sharing office space will help alleviate some of that by working more closely with my business partners. I hope that will make things more comforting for me, since it is my discomfort at not being in more verbal contact in this modern age.

I need to accept where I have come from is the key, I’ve not replaced all I’ve lost since last fall/early winter, I did indeed loose everything I ever had, my pets, my family, everything I ever had since child hood, I only had the clothes on my back until the last day I saw my dogs PRüüPH and PiXCiiL exactly one week after I thought I might never see them again, when I was able to get one bag of clothes and my pillow a blanket.

I’ve reunited with my Parents in the interim, I’ve reconnected with many old friends, none of the friends I erred in judgement and tried to do business with however have I been able to reconnect with. There are a lot of old wounds still out there, and I am not going to be able to heal any of them at all. Nothing I can say or do can change any ones experiences or their hearts, I can only remain open and patient here with my Heart healing at it’s own pace as well.

I am far from getting my head out of my ass, I am far from figuring out what is what about everything. I do know some things. I know very well, that I do not want to spend my life alone, or share my home with no one or no pets, as a first born { that is my excuse } I need people home to feel at home too. I know that I much more enjoy to spend time with other humans. Every day each day, as much of the day as possible if I can. Not spending time with other humans is a maddening sadness conjuring prison for me. If I can’t go out and spend time with Humans each day, I will go to shoppers drug mart and at least buy a bag of chips and talk to some one that works there for a few minutes. Since I lived in the homeless shelter across the street from it for 10 days in December 2010 one of the ladies that was there for some reason noticed me and gave me a hug that first week, when I decided that I was suffering the greatest suffering I have ever suffered in my life, I still think that suffering was the greatest I ever suffered. Remembering it now brings tears to my eyes, as I empathise with the me that was suffering in that time and space. I’ve kept touch with the nice lady from shoppers she cries for me now every time I see her. Chokes me up to think of, cause she cries tears of joy, she knows I moved to a decent place now, just as close to shoppers as the homeless place was here in Galt, Ontario Canada.
Every time I see the nice shoppers lady or think of her I am deeply reminded of the gratitude we must wake with each day of our life, I am reminded of how we have to choose to be happy each day with the life we have been given and seek joyful moments in our lives instead of dwelling on what we think “happened” to us.

I’ve accomplished many facets of many of my dreams in the past 8-10 months of my life, I’ve received many many gifts from people whom I’ve known since I was a child and from those whom I’ve only recently met from Waterloo Region on Twitter of all places. I’ve begun to be where I expected to be by now, while still trying to learn to live a life without expectations. Yet now I am trying to remain cognisant of how wholehearted I must be in order to accomplish what I want to, what I feel I need to accomplish in this rapidly changing time and place in the universe.

Hope of course swells in me when I see the world around me collectively realising that they can indeed change the world and that ‘things do not matter only Love matters’.

That single thought, that ultimate realisation, that massive crushing epiphany is what got me where I am, the realisation that “Things have no meaning, things don’t matter, things will own you, things will distract you, materialism will suck you dry to the bone”, I thought I knew that my whole life, yet for some reason it only occurred to me deeply and truly on December 2nd 2010. A night I realised that nothing ever mattered to me other than LOVE as my heart smashed into a million billion pieces. The night I lost every ‘thing’ I ever had as well.

Now some people encourage greed in me, they think it is good and that it will motivate me to succeed. I can’t see it like that, I don’t want to get caught up in things ever, ever again. The only ‘things’ I want are tools. So I can create, tools so that I can communicate, tools so that I can capture the sound and light of life as it passes us by.

While I am doing that I will help other visionaries realise their dreams, their dreams of changing the very fibre of their planet we all share our only home. This place called Earth.

That is what I am up to these days. being a part of a start up that helps start ups named very smartly ‘thinkalee’ http://thinkalee.ca/ not just business, it is betterness. Betterness for the sake of the community and taking up the philosophy of the camper with a sincere goal of leaving this place our mother Earth in better shape when we are all gone.

We don’t only do this by making and helping people create ‘Betterness’ in business we do this by touching hearts and loving all those whom we share our lives with, how ever short our time with them however long when we are lucky.

ENBD..//